[intro music]
Christine Schiefer: It's gonna be May.
Em Schulz: Uh, it is gonna be May for us. It is May for everybody. Happy May.
Christine Schiefer: It is May.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: It is May. Also, uh... So, now, we're officially a third done with the year.
Christine Schiefer: Stop. That makes me ill.
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: I'm drinking a beer. I just... I went and got one from my mini-fridge that I installed in my studio.
Em Schulz: I was gonna say, wow, we, umm, we've been recording since morning for me, and now we're at beer drinking stage for Christine, so.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, yeah, we started at 2:00 my time, umm, which is about when my parenting duties for the day cease and Blaise takes Leona to do fun stuff, like the aquarium, umm, which by the way, I'm so sorry, I am not usually like this, but I'm sending you a picture immediately of what Blaise just texted me. Umm...
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: I just sent it to the group chat, uh, but... Yeah, so they're having fun. So I'm home and I get the evening off.
Em Schulz: Aww!
Christine Schiefer: Isn't that cute? So I'm doing beer drinking time now.
Em Schulz: They are so cute.
Christine Schiefer: I mean, it's literally a Miller Lite or whatever, so it's not that exciting, but, umm...
Em Schulz: I, uh... Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: By the way... But, folks, it's like a little strip of... It's like a little, uh, photo booth strip of, uh, them at the aquarium.
Em Schulz: Blaise is such a good dad. I, uh...
Christine Schiefer: He's a good daddy. I'm, I'm lucky 'cause it means I can sit home and drink beer.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: You're also a daddy in a lot of ways, but, uh...
Christine Schiefer: Exa... See.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: I'm manifesting my dream life.
Em Schulz: Your man-i-festing.
Christine Schiefer: That's right. Good one.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Well, I hope everyone's having a good May. You know that this is probably the last sane Listeners episode you'll get for a while because next month...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, yes!
Em Schulz: Next time we do this, it will be our...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, Eva just got a migraine, instant migraine.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: My medical intuition says Eva just got an instant migraine. Our birthdays are countdown...
Em Schulz: Oh, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, Eva just said, "I literally did. LOL!"
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Uh, thanks for the LOL, even though I know it's actually the truth, umm, for softening the blow.
Em Schulz: I know the, the, the groan eye roll combo was probably elite in that house, uh...
Christine Schiefer: Ooh, imagine the pain. But you know what?
Em Schulz: Sorry Eva.
Christine Schiefer: Sorry. Sorry, but not really.
Em Schulz: I'm sorry but not sorry enough to change, yeah. So, anyway...
Christine Schiefer: That's exactly it.
Em Schulz: That's how I am usually with Allison when she tries to correct some sort of behavior of mine. I'm like, "I can't change at this point." So, it's...
Christine Schiefer: And also... And also, let me just say something which is that... Wow, the energy I've shifted, you've told me I'm, I'm almost...
Em Schulz: The beer, the one sip of beer really got...
Christine Schiefer: The one sip of Miller Lite has really got into my head. Uh, one thing I'll also say is...
Em Schulz: Uh-huh.
Christine Schiefer: They signed up for this shit. They know they can't change. Like, you can't go into a relationship healthily and say, "I'm gonna change that person." Everyone knows that doesn't end well. So, you know what, he married me, Allison moved in with you. What do I want? I'm not gonna change.
Em Schulz: I think it's why she spends months at a time off grid in the rainforest.
Christine Schiefer: In the Amazon rainforest.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: By the... While we're recording this, she's still gonna be gone for at least...
Christine Schiefer: Jesus!
Em Schulz: Another two weeks, so, umm...
Christine Schiefer: This is insane.
Em Schulz: I haven't seen her. You don't know what's wild? I have not seen her since before our Salem trip.
Christine Schiefer: That's... How do you do that? I would be so sad and lone... Well, I don't know if I... I would be lonely.
Em Schulz: I'm just used to it.
Christine Schiefer: I'll be sad, I think. Yeah. Well.
Em Schulz: Uh, and then... But... And then when, uh, we get back, when I get back from my current trip... I still have yet to do the cruise, folks, but when I get back from the cruise, I'm only in town for like five days, then I'm gone for a week. And then when I get back, she's gone for two weeks. So I only see her for a few days after the cruise...
Christine Schiefer: And by the way...
Em Schulz: And then I don't see her until my birthday weekend.
Christine Schiefer: During that window where you're back in town, I'm also back in town, so it's like...
Em Schulz: I know.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: She just gets double whammy both of us. Uh...
Em Schulz: So I'm only gonna see... From mid-March until our birthday weekend, I only see her for, I think... And when you add up all the days, it makes a week. It's wild, so.
Christine Schiefer: What... What? You guys are insane. I... That makes me sad. But I hope you're not sad about it. I hope you're okay about it.
Em Schulz: I'm not sad. We're fine.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, okay, excellent. Umm...
[laughter]
Em Schulz: We're good.
Christine Schiefer: You have healthier, maybe boundaries than I do. Uh, so, in any case, we have stories for you today. And all we know for the May stories is that they're not as important as the June stories. Oops, oops, did I say that out loud? Uh, no, all we know... I'm just kidding. All we know is that Eva did, uh, choose these. We have not seen them.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: And by the way, in case... Usually Em describes this, but these are stories that you all send in to us, your own personal story submissions, and we read them aloud, umm, on our monthly Listener episode the first of the month. Eva has, uh, instructed that I begin, uh, with the first story. We have not seen... Em and and I have not seen these yet...
Em Schulz: Nope.
Christine Schiefer: And Eva has also said there is a theme, so we're gonna try and catch on as we go.
Em Schulz: I love a theme. I love a theme.
Christine Schiefer: We love a mystery theme too. Like, that's so much fun.
Em Schulz: Ugh. Ugh.
Christine Schiefer: That's my favorite round in trivia, bar trivia. When at... In Cincinnati, the way they do it at one of the places is you, uh... One of the, the rounds has a theme. And you can guess every, like, every round...
Em Schulz: Oh, I went to one like that.
Christine Schiefer: One of them.
Em Schulz: And...
Christine Schiefer: It's really fun, 'cause you can just, like, guess, like... One of them was, uh, Beyonce songs. Like, uh, I forget that... It was Halo was, like, one of the answers, but the, the three ended up being all Beyonce songs, but, uh...
Em Schulz: Ugh. Love it.
Christine Schiefer: You know, it's fun. It's fun. Okay, let's see. What if this was Beyonce songs? What if that's Eva's theme?
Em Schulz: Can you imagine if the theme was Beyonce wrote in and now we're just reading her personal diary entries to us.
Christine Schiefer: Stop.
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: That would be like a mean April Fools that Eva did May first instead of April first.
Em Schulz: You know what I would like to do again though... While... Since you've brought it up, remember all those years ago when we had an April Fool's episode where we just had Blaise and Allison record and we didn't have to do that anything.
Christine Schiefer: Oh! I missed that. Yeah, but no wonder that bitch goes to Amazon rainforest. [laughter] She's like April 1st is coming, I need to get the F out of here. Oh my God, it all makes.
Em Schulz: It all makes sense. Yes.
Christine Schiefer: Like she has... That woman has the most intense strenuous like time... What's the word? Time-consuming job ever. So like she she saw my chance for vacation and evading yet another hour's worth of work for Em and Christine. Get out of here.
Em Schulz: But you know what, so many people loved that episode. Like I also loved that episode.
Christine Schiefer: It was almost like to a scary amount. You and I were like uh-oh.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: It was actually... I also... Do you remember what we did while they recorded?
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm.
Em Schulz: We sat on your couch, we watched Bob's Burgers and we went...
Christine Schiefer: Bob's Burgers.
Em Schulz: This is so lovely to not have to work and make other people do it.
Christine Schiefer: There's a selfie... There's a selfie of us with a box of wine, and we're watching Bob's Burgers and we were like, wait a minute, we need to do this weekly, monthly at least.
Em Schulz: I was like this is the easiest job I've ever had is making other people record our episode for us. That was lovely. So um...
Christine Schiefer: Oh man.
Em Schulz: I would like to bring that back uh and maybe we just like write in the comments or something, if someone would uh also like Allison and Blaise to redo episode.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, like what do you think... Like who do you want to see on the show, and then we can just start uh farming out our responsibilities to others. That would be great.
Em Schulz: Remember who played? No. Oh, oh, it was Xandy played you, Allison... No, Allison played you. Xandy played me and then Blaise was Gio. Is that how we did it last time?
Christine Schiefer: Yes. Blaise was Gio. I know that because uh Alexander and Allison still sometimes reference some joke he made about his ball, how he doesn't have balls anymore 'cause he got neutered and I was like, [laughter] I don't like this anymore. Allison played me I think because she was doing um...
Em Schulz: She was drinking a lot of wine.
Christine Schiefer: All the wine jokes. Yeah. And then Alexander, I'm pretty sure played you, um which I have no... Honestly, I don't think I ever listened to... Well, I did 'cause I edited it, but beyond that, I don't know if I listened to it.
Em Schulz: I think I'm gonna go listen to it again because...
Christine Schiefer: I, I kind of want to... I'm curious, it feels like such a time capsule, doesn't it?
Em Schulz: I would love to, I would love to bring them back. And just you and I not, not have to deal with it.
Christine Schiefer: And it was one of Blaise's...
Em Schulz: Maybe it could be for our birthday episode one day for our birthday they handle it so we don't have to...
Christine Schiefer: Wait, that would be really fun... It has to be a present for me.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: We're gonna sit on our pony ride while they do a performance for us, like those bratty little children.
Em Schulz: Dance monkey dance. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Dance.
Em Schulz: Um. Anyway, yes. Until then, it's... Unfortunately for everybody, it's just us reading the stories. So uh...
Christine Schiefer: And I know what you're thinking. Wow, it can't be like they talk about their birthdays more during their actual birthday week, but you'd be surprised. We'd find a way.
Em Schulz: You would be wrong. Oh yeah.
Christine Schiefer: You'd be so fucking wrong. Okay. Are you new here? Anyway, this is called A Paranormal Prank.
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: It's from Libby. She/her. And the subject, remember how anxious we were last month when one of these was fake.
Em Schulz: [gasp] Oh, that was evil.
Christine Schiefer: I like I just started getting sweat in my palms thinking, okay, where are the holes in the story.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: And I'm like, I've read three words, but I'm over here looking for clues.
Em Schulz: We were like which, which one would Eva have, have, have written up or something. Wasn't that...
Christine Schiefer: Like Libby is a liar! Libby is not real. [laughter] Poor Libby is like, I just sent this. Uh, okay.
Em Schulz: Libby is like, I actually went through a trauma. I was hoping you could help me with it.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Thank you for calling it fake and screaming that I'm a liar. Okay.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Oops, I would be a terrible therapist.
Em Schulz: This is, this is exactly what I wanted, when I wrote this in.
Christine Schiefer: This is exactly the kind of healing I was looking for. Thank you Em and Christine. Okay, Libby, she/her. Subject, a paranormal prank, and the title uh or I'm sorry the greeting says "Hi Eva," and then in parentheses "(and Em and Christine)."
Em Schulz: Thank you so much.
Christine Schiefer: You know what Libby, you're right. You're right for that. "I've been wanting to submit this story for a while, and I figured now is the time of year to finally do it. When I was little, maybe three or four years old, my family and I went on vacation to Prince Edward Island, which is on the east coast of Canada."
Em Schulz: Mm. Love Canada.
Christine Schiefer: "We were joined by my aunt and uncle, their three kids, and my grandparents, and we all stayed together in a rented cottage. Because I was so young, I don't actually have any memories of this trip, but what happened has since become family lore and is still something we talk about to this day. One night, my parents, aunt and uncle were up late after everyone else had gone to bed, probably drinking, knowing my dad and uncle." See, told you, dad vibes.
[overlapping conversation]
Em Schulz: I wasn't even there, I can pretty much agree with you that yeah, I think everyone was up late drinking on a family vacation. For sure.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, I feel like, I feel like there's one of those uh like a... What do they call it? When everybody has a communal memory...
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Like societal, like societal consciousness, it's like as toddlers, we all are just sort of vaguely aware that our parents were just drinking all the time...
Em Schulz: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Um. That... And that's kind of what I'm, what I think she's getting at, so "all of a sudden..." So her dad and uncle are up late drinking, presumably, "all of a sudden the two of them hear a scream right outside of the cottage."
Em Schulz: Bye.
Christine Schiefer: "My dad and uncle go take a look thinking that maybe my grandmother had woken up and gone outside for a smoke and had fallen off the front stoop." [laughter]
Em Schulz: Why is that our first thought. How fucked up did we think she was?
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Grandma!
Em Schulz: Grandma knows how to turn up.
Christine Schiefer: Are you just tumbling out. She's just tumble off. She's like I forgot where I was. I just went out for a smoke and marched into the woods.
Em Schulz: Here I am. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I don't know. Umm now, "there were a few other cottages nearby, but the scream was way too close to have come from any of them. A little unnerved, my dad and uncle went back inside, and while nothing else happened for the rest of our time there, my uncle could not forget about that scream. After we all left to go back home, he ended up doing some research and found an article talking about a fire that had happened on the property some years before, which had killed several people."
Em Schulz: Oh shit.
Christine Schiefer: "Apparently we were not the only ones to have experienced strange things at that cottage. Another article we found revealed that the cottage had actually been visited by a paranormal investigator who had been drawn by reports of unexplained activity." Whoa. "We were all shocked."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: I, I was gonna say, you know, I feel like that's how someone could describe any time I've gone anywhere where it's like technically, yes, I'm a paranormal investigator, technically, yes I was drawn in by the reports, but maybe I was just there for a good weekend, you know maybe we're... But also...
Christine Schiefer: Okay, but if you go somewhere for a good week, and I feel like you don't seek out like you're not going to do investigating there if you're just traveling.
Em Schulz: I guess that's true. I guess it depends on the mood, but uh that being said...
Christine Schiefer: Like you weren't there for a ghost hunt if you're on vacation, but it sounds like this guy like came to investigate the property.
Em Schulz: I love that about him.
Christine Schiefer: I do too.
Em Schulz: Good for him. That's how, that's how a vacation should be.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, it is. Um. He's like, this is not a vacation.
Em Schulz: Oh right.
Christine Schiefer: This is a very serious job.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Um. And to be fair, when you and I went to San Diego and slept over at a house, it was not for vacation, it was unfortunately also for work, so you know I get it. So buh, buh, bah. "Had been visited by a paranormal investigator who had been drawn there by reports of unexplained activity. We were all shocked to learn this, none more so than my grandmother!" who is still in the bushes, I imagine. [laughter] Uh. "For years after she went around telling people all about the time we stayed in a haunted cottage, and I even remember mentioning it to friends as a kid, so you can imagine my surprise when," oh my God! "Many years later, I learned that my uncle had made it all up."
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: I knew. Remember, I called Libby a liar. I said, Libby is a liar.
Em Schulz: You were, you were just one relative off. But yeah...
Christine Schiefer: Okay, well I, I...
Em Schulz: Someone was a liar.
Christine Schiefer: She was fooling us.
Em Schulz: Someone was a liar.
Christine Schiefer: She was fooling us. Okay, okay, okay. "He had written all the article..." Okay, this is something my dad does, "He had written all the articles himself about the fire and the paranormal investigation, and had even created fake websites with all of this information. Why did he go to all that trouble you may ask? Well, it was all to prank my grandmother. She's known for sometimes being a bit hysterical, and so he obviously thought it would be funny to convince her that the cottage was haunted, and for that he had needed proof, hence the fake articles and websites and it had worked. It was years before my grandmother realized she had been pranked, and that was only after someone else in the family finally told her, but the scream that started it all, that was real. And is still unexplained."
Em Schulz: I feel like the uncle was like, we heard the scream and then he was like, this is my fucking moment, I was wondering...
Christine Schiefer: It like, it got out of hand. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I was wondering what was going to be the initial move on this, and now that I've heard a scream, we have to work with what we've got. I...
Christine Schiefer: 100%.
Em Schulz: And also like...
Christine Schiefer: Do you know it reminds me of?
Em Schulz: What?
Christine Schiefer: Real quick side note is when Zak Bagans gets like a [mumbled vocalization] and it's a real sound, he gets a weird EVP and he goes, could this be the voice of a small child saying she's looking for her teddy bear, just like the girl that had been here. And it's like, well, no, it's just a weird garbling noise, but you took it and ran so far with it that now I don't even believe your evidence, because you turned it into this wild story.
Em Schulz: I... You know what I really, I actually really dig because it'd be one thing if it was like my dad or something. And I'd be like, oh my God, like this is so annoying, but I feel like uncle was one, one step removed where I'm like, oh, you know, I actually really respect that you went so far as to build fucking websites and write articles for a prank. Like that feels like...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Uncle energy. That feels like...
Christine Schiefer: It is uncle energy, for sure. And if it's, if it's your parent, you're like, are you... Like you are so toxic, but if it's an uncle, you're like ah silly old uncle.
Em Schulz: I'm just like...
Christine Schiefer: That's just what he does.
Em Schulz: I would just be like, I'm so lucky I've got an uncle who commits to the bit, like he loves a theme.
Christine Schiefer: Oh yes.
Em Schulz: He's going to ride with it.
Christine Schiefer: And you, you know he's there. If like if you need somebody to join in, like he's there.
Em Schulz: I have an uncle like that, and uh remember I told you a long time ago that I thought I was actually the president of the SpongeBob Fan Club despite having no qualifications and being nine.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, well, I remember when you first told me and you told it to me like it was really real, and then like I went to your house and you were like, oh, by the way, I found out later...
Em Schulz: Because for a lot of my life, I really thought that somehow SpongeBob contacted me, and when I heard you were the president of my fan club... I mean, a lot of my life, I mean like from like seven years old till like 10 or 11 when I was like, wait a minute, something is going on here. But for years, I was like, this is amazing. And not only that, but because I was the president, I was gifted a video compilation of SpongeBob episodes, and now in hindsight, I'm like, that was just my uncle being a fucking great uncle. He like wrote a whole, a whole letter to me as if it were SpongeBob, he designed it like it was from SpongeBob, he made a, a whole video and recorded up like probably a Nickelodeon marathon and just put it on a tape and sent it to me. But like in hindsight, I was like, that was a lot of effort for a bit. That nobody asked for.
Christine Schiefer: But do you feel any resentment about that? I feel like I would be like, oh man, like you, like you made all that up. I don't know. I feel like for me...
Em Schulz: No, because by the time I realized he had made it up, I'd be like oh, I should have seen that coming a mile away.
Christine Schiefer: I just like, I had such a hard time with that. It's the same I feel with a... spoiler alert for people about Easter critters and other uh holiday characters who do things, umm so if you have kids in the car, you can fast forward, but that's kind of how I feel about Santa and Easter bunny. I'm like, I was so devas... I'm also so fucking sensitive, like I don't know, but I was so devastated and I like didn't speak to my mom for weeks 'cause I was like, I cannot believe you would just like make me look like such a fool for believing this for so long, but like clearly, I was just taking, internalizing it. But I'm like, I'm trying to find a, a delicate way to approach these kind of things where I don't like traumatize my child, but I think maybe I'm just the sensitive one. I don't know.
Em Schulz: I don't know. I think I have always been pretty... B-before I react to things, I think like my go-to is to try to find a, a benefit of a doubt in it. So I, I was just like, well, why would he have done this? And then I just was like, oh, he was trying to be nice.
Christine Schiefer: I know, and it's, it's obviously, and like, that's the same way I feel about like all the same things. I was just discussing. Like it's all for the magic of the kid, for the kids. Like I don't, I'm not doubting the attention there at all. And I'm like, I loved that growing up, like the magic of it.
Em Schulz: But I mean, as a kid, I, I even thought that like, I, I didn't go through a phase of like being offended because I was like, oh, he was trying to be nice. That was just my first thought.
Christine Schiefer: That's, I think you were maybe more mature than I was. I think I just got my feelings hurt. I was like, mom, I thought you never lied to me. And now you're saying you blatantly lied to me for years. Like, I don't know, I just felt so like, taken a, I just felt like kind of, I think I was embarrassed, honestly. I think I was just embarrassed. Like, I can't believe I believed that, and you made me look like a fool all those years. But I think I'm also just a sensitive person.
Em Schulz: Maybe I've never felt like, I very rarely feel like a fool unless it is self-inflicted. Like I very, I very rarely, uh, ever think like, oh, someone was trying to make me feel stupid. It's more like, oh, I just did something stupid.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Yeah. I think I was just ashamed that I didn't figure it out sooner. I don't know. I don't know.
Em Schulz: I think I, I think maybe I have lower self-esteem and I'm always kind of riding the wave that like, I don't know what's going on. So then when I find out that I didn't know something was going on, I'm like, well, that tracks.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, [laughter] that's okay. That's interesting. I mean, I don't think, it sounds like you have lower self-esteem at all. I think it sounds like you were very, uh, very self-assured about like.
Em Schulz: Maybe, or like.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, my uncle was just doing something nice for me. Not like, wow. He was try, I don't know. I feel like I just immediately get like so defensive, which.
Em Schulz: Yeah, I don't think I.
Christine Schiefer: It's hard to believe.
Em Schulz: I was definitely not a kid who like assumed there was like a, a, a hidden agenda where the plan was to make me feel stupid.
Christine Schiefer: Maybe that's where difference, because my, my thought is always somebody's, there's a, there's some sort of, some sort of hidden agenda.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Even to this day, I don't ever assume somebody's got an agenda. So I think I just kind of, so then, so then when I find out that there is an agenda, I'm like, oh, I didn't see that coming. So I, yeah, I don't know. But anyway, I thought I was the SpongeBob president and I also thought, I was like, wow, I didn't even have to do anything that kind of worked out. Like I just get to be the president of a fan club. [laughter] That's dope. And I got a free video tape out of it.
Christine Schiefer: I mean, that's, that's pretty cool.
Em Schulz: Anyway, all of that to say, I think the, like an uncle who commits to a bit, I was like, that's a good time. Like you, like he said, I want the kids to remember me. And guess what? Now people are writing in to podcast.
Christine Schiefer: So, and the fact that he was pranking his own mother makes me laugh so much. Like, it's not like he was pranking a child. Like he was pranking his own mother and it worked for years, which is just like hysterical to me.
Em Schulz: Which like, she must have had an inkling, she must have a little bit that like, like her, this can't be her son's first prank on her. Right?
Christine Schiefer: Well, I mean, it sounds like it was long ago, long enough ago that probably like, she didn't even realize he was like making up websites. Like I feel like since this happened a long time ago, like the fact that he was making up websites and articles, like nowadays you could probably be like, oh, maybe this is fake. But I feel like back then.
Em Schulz: No, I feel the opposite.
Christine Schiefer: You would never assume, really.
Em Schulz: I, I feel like it would be easier than to make a website because every website looked really shitty and pixelated. So like, nowadays you'd have to like really know what you were do. I mean, I guess not. 'cause there's you know like templates, template sites.
Christine Schiefer: Squarespace.
Em Schulz: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Christine Schiefer: You just type in AI make me a website about how this cabin is haunted.
Em Schulz: You're right. You're right. You're right. Anyway, uh.
Christine Schiefer: I just, before you get to the next story, I wanna read the PS uh which by the way, the ending, I just wanna read again 'cause it's so good. Uh, "Only after someone else in the family finally told her, but the scream that started it all, that was real and is still unexplained. PS love the pod. It's gotten me through some very boring days at work. I was at your Toronto show last week. And I thought you guys were hilarious. Hope you come back soon." Oh, thanks Libby.
Em Schulz: Thank you. I like how Christine was like, we have to talk about how great we were for a second though. Hang on, let's go back.
Christine Schiefer: I didn't even read it. I just saw another paragraph and I was like, if we move on, I'm never gonna remember that that exists.
Em Schulz: Got it. Got it. Got it.
Christine Schiefer: Umm, but yes, it wa... It did end up just complimenting us. And I don't re- I don't regret reading it for one second.
Em Schulz: Well, thank you, Libby. Appreciate it. The next story is from a theyby. Very excited about that.
Christine Schiefer: Ah!
Em Schulz: This is from Jay, they/them. I hope you tell people that your pronouns are Jay/them. Just kidding. Just kidding. But.
Christine Schiefer: Good one.
Em Schulz: I don't know. She/her/Schiefer.
Christine Schiefer: We're working on it. We're trying to take over the world.
Em Schulz: Jay/them, Em/them.
Christine Schiefer: Em/them we're...
Em Schulz: I don't know.
Christine Schiefer: Hopefully it'll, hopefully it'll catch on.
Em Schulz: Well, the subject line screams drama. I love it because it's...
Christine Schiefer: Ooh!
Em Schulz: An arrest at Starbucks.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: And it says, "Hey And That's Why We Drink fam. This shit just happened and it was wild. At least to me it was," uh, I like how, uh, Jay was like, uh, something crazy just happened. I immediately have to write in.
Christine Schiefer: I just feel like they're live tweeting it to us. You know? Yeah.
Em Schulz: Yes. Yes. Uh, "So I work at Starbucks in Canada." Okay. So the theme is Canada.
Christine Schiefer: What?! Okay. You found it. Nailed it.
Em Schulz: And...
Christine Schiefer: Unless there is a really bastard of an uncle in here who likes to mess with people.
Em Schulz: If there's a Wiley.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, Eva says, Eva says, nailed it. It's Canada. Good job Em.
Em Schulz: You had, you made a good point, Christine, that it could have been another Wiley Coyote uncle. Uh, so.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] Yeah, the Acme, the Acme uncle.
Em Schulz: "So I work at a Starbucks in Canada, and my store is down the road from the local RCMP, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, uh, building. So we get cops and RCMP at all hours of the day, both in and out of uniform. Anyway, also down the road in the opposite direction is a conference center. I don't know all the details, but yesterday someone was stabbed there..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "And the suspect managed to get away. However, the cops knew what he looked like. Cut to this morning at 7:00 AM we're in the middle of our busiest time of the morning. And who comes in and orders a coffee? The stabber."
Christine Schiefer: What?! He was like, I'm just gonna waltz on in and order a coffee fucking a block from where I stabbed someone.
Em Schulz: Remember when I said about cops... "Remember what I said about cops being frequent customers at my store?"
Christine Schiefer: What at idiot.
Em Schulz: "We had some un-uniformed officers in the building."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "So yeah, they let this guy order his coffee and quietly order for backup. The guy sits drinks his coffee."
Christine Schiefer: I thought they meant like ordered for backup. Like, I'll take a flat white and some backup please.
Em Schulz: [laughter] That's, that's like saying like, oh, something smells like up dog. It's like, whoa.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] Yeah. Yes. Order some backup for me with extra sweetener.
Em Schulz: Well, I do like how they saw him and someone nudged someone and made eyes.
Christine Schiefer: Yes!
Em Schulz: And then very slowly in a James Bond watch went, we need a little back up.
Christine Schiefer: Uh-huh. And you know, they were both dressed like in just their like, plain Jane clothes. And one of them was like, well, so you know, Tommy's going, starting his freshman year and they're like, shut the fuck up. It's like.
Em Schulz: I'm so fucking not paying attention right now. We have this going on right now.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] Like I like, I so care about your family shit. But like, shut the fuck up.
Em Schulz: "So the guy sits down, drinks his coffee, has a grand old time, and then gets up to leave only to be tackled right..."
Christine Schiefer: He said, he drank the coffee there?! Like, that's even weirder.
Em Schulz: That feels a little okay like...
Christine Schiefer: Who does that?!
Em Schulz: That feels like someone sitting on a plane and like not having something to do anymore. Like it's just like you're odd for just sitting there and just like raw dogging the plane ride.
Christine Schiefer: You're being weird. Yeah, Right. Raw dogging the plane. You're raw, you're being weird. Go home with, leave with your coffee. Unless you were like working on something.
Em Schulz: Yeah. If you're just there to sit at a table and drink your coffee and think, yuck. Okay, so...
Christine Schiefer: Mm.
Em Schulz: No, no, no. Uh, "He gets tackled right outside the store by eight officers. And all I can think is how dumb do you have to be to stab someone, get away and then go to the Starbucks down the road from their station. Anyway, that was my morning at work. Love the show. Whether that, whether or not this gets read. I hope you enjoy this random thing that happened at Starbucks. Love you guys. Jay. A Canadian Scorpio." Aww.
Christine Schiefer: Aww
Em Schulz: With a huge crush on Em! Ah, we're back in the good graces.
Christine Schiefer: Ahh, no.
Em Schulz: Thank you Jay. Uh, and also thank you for having a, a crush on me. You have a immaculate taste.
Christine Schiefer: That's nice. Oh, you sure Do. I mean, I'm not gonna deny there's no denying that.
Em Schulz: Immaculate taste.
Christine Schiefer: Even if I tried, umm, wow, what a tale. And like I love these. Jim Harold always says it, so I feel like just such a fan girl. But he's always like workplace stories, we never get enough workplace stories and it's so wild. I agree that they're so interesting because it's like you're at work, you're just like doing like, oh, just the, I mean, pun, pun not intended, but like the daily grind. Like you're just like, okay, more frappuccinos, more this, more that.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: You're just whatever, getting through the day and then all of a sudden it's like drama! [laughter] And remember like Em when we were either at a job or at school and something happened and it was like so exciting...
Em Schulz: Yes!
Christine Schiefer: Because like your day got derailed and it's like, no, let's keep this energy up. Like, let's see.
Em Schulz: You know, like.
Christine Schiefer: Let's all focus on something else.
Em Schulz: Think about the one person who finally like went on their break in that moment and then missed the best part of the day, and now.
Christine Schiefer: I know! Or called out sick?
Em Schulz: And now they get to hear everyone else talk about it. Ugh.
Christine Schiefer: Ugh. They were like, I was hung over. And it's like, well that'll be the last time you call off sick.
Em Schulz: I know.
Christine Schiefer: Like you missed the arrest of the century.
Em Schulz: You know, you know they talked about it for the rest of the week in that, in that building. And if you were one of the employees who actually saw it happen, you were like, cool. And people wanted to know your what happened, you know.
Christine Schiefer: Apparently, honestly it's 100% true. And also Jay, like I need to be honest with you and I know you have a crush on Em so maybe tell Em but like, do you know what this guy ordered? Because like I would love to know as much with as much fervor as I have for people's last meals. Like, I'm just so curious...
Em Schulz: Mm.
Christine Schiefer: For no reason. Like I feel like it says something about you. I just don't know what, like, did he order literally a black coffee and then sit at a table by himself? Because that's psychotic behavior.
Em Schulz: And just stared at The wall. I mean I...
Christine Schiefer: Like that's, Or just like at your coffee if you ordered a frappuccino and was just scrolling on his Kindle. Okay. That I understand. But like, I wanna know Jay, if you know like what this guy ordered. I'm so curious.
Em Schulz: Well, I also like, I do think like how nice of the cops to umm, to let him have one last sip of good coffee before he's in fucking prison.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] It is his final meal. It's his final meal before prison.
Em Schulz: Umm, yeah, I don't know. What do you think, uh, a murderer gets to drink? I mean obviously a black coffee, but I feel like something unhinged.
Christine Schiefer: I mean I would think.
Em Schulz: Right? Like.
Christine Schiefer: I would, I would be like, I would feel like it would be something like seemingly very plain like a black coffee, but then he would add like 16 Equal packets. [laughter] Like not Splenda, you know, not Stevia, but like Equal, you know, or like something like very specific. I don't know. What is your guess?
Em Schulz: Milk.
Christine Schiefer: A lot. [cackles] That's you babe.
Em Schulz: I know, but I'm trying.
Christine Schiefer: That's Em. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I'm trying to think of something like unhinged where everyone would like remember him later and report it to the police. They'd be like, he wanted just a trenta milk you know.
Christine Schiefer: Also. Eww! Also, I love the fact that like they recognized him but he just didn't even have like the wherewithal to realize that like multiple people in the building spot...
Em Schulz: Right.
Christine Schiefer: Or maybe he did and he was trying to act casual. I don't know, but just the idea that you would sit down and enjoy your coffee.
Em Schulz: That's a great point too though, because like do you think he was like shaking in his boots?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Or do you think he just thought this was like he totally got away with it and it's fine now.
Christine Schiefer: That's what I wonder. Like do you think he was like, oh shit, now I'm really stuck and I have to pretend like I'm just gonna leave here casually.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Or like he just had no care in the world. Uh, I wonder.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Was nothing going on in his mind or was everything going on in his mind?
Christine Schiefer: I hope they really, I wanna know what he, he was texting during that, like texting his friend like Uh-oh.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: They're all looking at me. [laughter] Umm, wow. Well Jay, what a story. Thank you. Umm, I now have a story. This is from River, the, another theyby, they/them and the subject is, my mom survived an attempted murder. Yikes.
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: "Hello lovely ATWWD creatures, cryptids and citruses. I have many a story to share at another time, but with Mother's Day coming up." Aww.
Em Schulz: Happy Mother's Day.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, I say with a big question mark at the end. "I wanted to honor my mom's story. It's a bit long, so buckle up. Long before I was born, my kind, generous and barely 19-year-old mom married her first boyfriend. I am not sure what red flags this guy was flying before the marriage, but he sure busted them out after the wedding."
Em Schulz: Oh my.
Christine Schiefer: He didn't... I know, that's a beautiful way to put it. "He didn't work and stole all my mom's earnings, controlled her every movement and threatened that he'd burn down her parents' farm if she ever left him. He then forced my mom to move away from her family to a town in another province. Parentheses, (hello from, so-called Canada)."
Em Schulz: Ah!
Christine Schiefer: "Far, far away from everyone she knew. The horrible situation cont-continued and was made worse by this guy's sister who lived nearby. It turns out that their sibling bond didn't just include abusive, but also attempted murder."
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: "One day my mom was home with a headache and the awful sister made her a cup of tea."
Em Schulz: Oh God.
Christine Schiefer: "Which was quite out of character. The sister and the brother left and my mom was home alone." Okay, so by the way, this is while they're still together, it's not even like.
Em Schulz: It's not like she broke up and pissed him off.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, yeah. And is like prepared for his vengeance. Like this is just a random day in an abusive relationship. "The sister and brother left and my mom was home alone. After drinking the tea, she began to feel very ill and dizzy and was about to pass out when a friend randomly stopped by."
Em Schulz: Thank God.
Christine Schiefer: He ran... I know. I'm like that guy. His guardian angels were like dragging him off the couch, being like, go see your friend.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: "He ran to help her and took her out of the house. She refused to go to the hospital. This is classic for my mom, but she also may have been in fear because of the situation she was in."
Em Schulz: Sure.
Christine Schiefer: "The friend took her to his place and took care of her until she was out of the woods and started to recover. My mom's friend suspected it wasn't just the headache that made my mom so ill, so he offered to let her stay at his place for a while. He went back to her house to get some things and found it completely trashed. The abusive husband and his sister had taken all her belongings, even her clothing, and had completely trashed the place. The only thing they left was a bible from her family and they had torn it up and left it on the floor."
Em Schulz: Ew. Also like...
Christine Schiefer: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Em Schulz: Also, so, so did she just not drink enough of the tea that she was able to heal, but had she drank all the tea, she would've poison, been poisoned. Is that what we're thinking?
Christine Schiefer: Umm, I don't know. Let me, let me finish and see. I'm not sure.
Em Schulz: Sure. I don't know why I thought you already knew the ending for this.
Christine Schiefer: No, I mean, it's a, it's a good question. I'm, I'm also pondering the same thing, umm.
Em Schulz: Because I'm like, Maybe she just had a headache and he happened to still save her from the situation. I don't know.
Christine Schiefer: "My mom never found out for sure if the sister had slipped something in her tea, but she's never had a reaction like that to a headache especially so extreme. She knew it wasn't worth filing a report. It was the 1970s. She was young and she didn't really have any proof. She knew how the system worked and continues to work. Thankfully the abusive ex and his sister didn't try anything else and disappeared. My mom filed for divorce as soon as she could, but it took years because he wouldn't show up to court. The evil siblings returned to their home province and both died by the mid 2000s. My mom stayed in the same town for a few more years and met many lifelong friends and best of all, a really, really great guy. My dad."
Em Schulz: Aww.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. I'm gonna cry. "That's a pretty magical and hilarious tale of its own. And if you ever want stories about fate," I do. "I'll send it in. My mom has survived so much in her life and is one of the most courageous, tenacious, generous people I know. While we don't have the best relationship, I have tremendous respect for her and I'm just so grateful for how hard she has fought for herself and for our family. Thank you for all the stories over the many years. I'm glad I stumbled on your podcast four years ago. You've accompanied me on many drives and bus rides here in rural Canada. It constantly lights the sparks of curiosity, wonder and weirdness in us all. PS Em, I owe you a big thank you! I am celebrating my two year ADHD diagnosis because of you!"
Em Schulz: Wee, I have caused so much mental illness recognition and... [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: You, you have in me as well very actively. And yes I am. I'm jumping on the bandwagon. Umm, "Sharing your ADHD neurodivergent story made me realize I also have ADHD and it changed my life. Big love to you all River." Aw.
Em Schulz: River's such a good name.
Christine Schiefer: I know. That's a great name. One of my favorites.
Em Schulz: Ah. Well, as a fellow neurodivergent theyby, you are welcome.
Christine Schiefer: Yep.
Em Schulz: Umm, wow. Okay. Well yeah. Hey, uh, we can put this down in the future as like one of the, umm, themes, maybe fate or something.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, I'm putting it down now. Oh wait, no. Next month is our birthday, but yes, for July maybe. I don't know. Start sending in your like cool fate stories. I love, love fate stories.
Em Schulz: Our next story is from Karly with a K 'cause she's fun. Uh, pronouns are she/her. Thank you for normalizing pronouns and the subject line is haunted childhood home.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: Karly says, "Hello to Eva, Em, Christine, Lemon and the rest of the And That's Why We Drink fam. Uh, first off, I just wanna say that I absolutely love the podcast and I love that you two can keep awful stories palatable with banter and comedic relief." Again, you are welcome. [laughter] "My story takes place in my childhood home in a suburb of," can you guess? Canada. "Vancouver, Canada."
Christine Schiefer: Oh, I thought we, I thought, oh, I was like, I thought we were guessing the town. Okay.
Em Schulz: "The suburb is called Surrey and there were a lot of weird things that went on in this house, but I'll try to keep it short with what I remember when I was five, when we moved in. The first experience I remember happening was when I was three or four, my younger brother had stolen my plastic hamburger from my play kitchen set."
Christine Schiefer: How dare.
Em Schulz: By the way, this is where I ask because I'll forget for the rest of my life. Did you ever get that medical toy?
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Oh yes, but I've, I've kept it in the box because I'm like, I wanna, I want her to open it on a special like day from you.
Em Schulz: Gotcha. Okay. I didn't know if it.
Christine Schiefer: I'm sorry it got here while you were still here, so I think I just assumed you knew that it got here. I apologize.
Em Schulz: I assumed it got stuck in a trash pile somewhere and...
Christine Schiefer: No, I'm so sorry. It is here. I have it in like the gift room, um which is my closet, but I want to like...
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Okay, so did get it in the trash pile. Okay.
Christine Schiefer: I want to give it to her... I know- well sort of, but I want to give it to her on a day where I could film it and you know the whole thing.
Em Schulz: Gotcha, you don't, also don't have to do that, but I just want to make sure that it got to you.
Christine Schiefer: It was very special that you did that, so I, I wanted to...
Em Schulz: Something else is also coming to her right now...
Christine Schiefer: Ahh!
Em Schulz: I can't stop myself so... It's actually probab... The second you see it, you'll go yeah, this is absolutely a funcle Em gift. Okay.
Em Schulz: Great.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, so her younger brother stole her plastic hamburger from her play kitchen set. "I pushed him, so my mom sent me for a time out, and our time out spot was a single chair at the end of the hallway looking into the living room." Like The Shining, it seems.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. I was gonna say, it's the creepiest place you can have a time out.
Em Schulz: "About 10 seconds into sitting in that chair, a fucking apparition of a man with a heavily burnt face..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Appeared, but he had no legs."
Christine Schiefer: What!?
Em Schulz: Bitch... Okay, that's you have to warn people in with sentences like that. Hang on. So an apparition of a man with a heavily burned face appeared, but he had no legs.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: No.
Christine Schiefer: What?
Em Schulz: I started screaming and crying because he was floating towards me!"
Christine Schiefer: Ah!
Em Schulz: "And my mom ran out of the kitchen thinking I was hurt." You know what... Okay, first of all, let's start with the facts. Your mom put you in time out because your brother's stole your toy, so immediately canceled. Also, now there's a grown ass man without legs approaching you, and I have a feeling your mom's gonna put you in time out again, for crying about it. That's how it feels right now.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: Um. Oh, oh, oh. "He was floating towards me, my mom ran out of the kitchen thinking I was hurt, and she ran right through him and he evaporated..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: So the mom didn't even see it.
Christine Schiefer: Ugh, but she saved her because or she saved... Yeah. She saved her because she dissipated the man.
Em Schulz: Yeah, she like busted through him, but also like that's so creepy that like what you're saying right before your very eyes, you can... You're also watching somebody else not notice it.
Christine Schiefer: Who's like, what's wrong? And you're like, wait, that must have been so trippy.
Em Schulz: That's what I imagine dogs and like all animals experience...
Christine Schiefer: Yes!
Em Schulz: When they're seeing another like ghost of a man in a room and we're not responding.
Christine Schiefer: They're like why is nobody acting, like reacting to that. Yeah.
Em Schulz: And then we punish them. So we're just like, we're just like Karly's mom 'cause we're like, oh, shut up. You are barking.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, well, let's see if... Let's see if she's... Well, let's see if she's punished about it. I don't want to give her... I don't wanna diss the mom now, maybe, maybe she gives her... I don't know. Maybe. We'll see.
Em Schulz: The next sentence says my mom punished me.
Christine Schiefer: Oh!
Em Schulz: No, I'm, I'm just kidding.
Christine Schiefer: Never mind.
Em Schulz: I, I made that up.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Oh. I was like, wow, okay, I guess I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
Em Schulz: No, uh mom runs through the man and evaporates, he evaporates. "I was inconsolable and trying to tell my mom I saw a burnt man, so she took my brother and I out of the house for a nature walk..."
Christine Schiefer: Aww.
Em Schulz: Thank, "thank God she's a hippie dippie mom who believed me because later in life, when I was about 12..."
Christine Schiefer: See Em, you're such a hater.
Em Schulz: You're right. I'm a hater. "Thank God, she's a hippie dippie mom who believed me because later in life, when I was about 12, she said she remembered that and felt a heavy slowness when she was running to me..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Which I think was her running through him."
Christine Schiefer: Aahhh!
Em Schulz: Ewww. "So she felt her... She couldn't see it, but she felt the experience."
Christine Schiefer: Oh my God, that's so gross.
Em Schulz: "A few months after this, I was in my room trying to sleep and I felt someone sit on my bed, thinking it was my dad coming to say goodnight, I opened my eyes to give him a hug, but it was the burnt man again."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: Girl, get out of this house. "I screamed and my dad came and brought me to him and my mom's room across the hall. Another time when my dad was at work, my mom put on the Wizard of Oz for my brother and I while she went to shower. My mom felt someone grab her shoulders, so she got out to find... And she got out to find a full hand print on her shoulder."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Wait, she was in the shower?
Em Schulz: Yes. Which means eww, when you're nakey.
Christine Schiefer: Oh no! Oh no. Oh no, so vulnerable and your kids are out there. Off.
Em Schulz: No.
Christine Schiefer: No.
Em Schulz: No. "Literally no explanation there. And no privacy either, jeez."
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yes.
Em Schulz: "The last event that happened, I don't remember this, but my parents do and have told me that it was about 2:00 AM, and my dad got home from an afternoon shift, he was trying to fall asleep and it said... And he said it sounded like someone was hitting the side of the house with a 2 x 4, so he threw his robe on and went outside to check it out, thinking a person on drugs was trying to break in. Um. Once he got outside, it sounded like someone was banging a 2 x 4 inside the house..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "So he freaked out and went inside and heard the noises outside again. He said this lasted about 15 minutes until it was just silence. Needless to say, my mom brought some lady in the house to cleanse it, but thankfully, we ended up moving to Vancouver shortly after. These events still make my hair stand up thinking, uh when I think about 25 years later. Hope you enjoyed the stories, thanks for everything you folks do. Karly." Oh Karly...
Christine Schiefer: Karly...
Em Schulz: I gotta be honest with love, I hated that. So...
Christine Schiefer: Karly, I've gotta be honest, I need you to go research that house and find out if there was a fire and why there was that man.
Em Schulz: Mmm!
Christine Schiefer: Because like what on Earth... Why wouldn't he leave you alone?
Em Schulz: Yeah. It's one thing if there was a fire on that house and like someone died there...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: But why was he so aggressively trying to get to you at all. I don't like that at all.
Christine Schiefer: It's almost like... Yeah, it's almost like either he realized you could see him and he's like, I, I'm lost, I need a message. Whatever, but like if you research it and there's no fire or nothing then like...
Em Schulz: Ugh.
Christine Schiefer: I don't know what, I don't know what that's about.
Em Schulz: Yeah, firm pass, please don't write back in. Please don't write again.
Christine Schiefer: No, please. No, please. [laughter] Okay. Just email it just to me, 'cause I wanna know.
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: This is from Julia, she/her. And the subject is my mom was born into a cult.
Em Schulz: Okay, I'm signed up. Let's go.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, right, here you go. This is just for Em. "Hello Eva, Em, Christine and all spouses, pets, lemons, and anyone else associated with the podcast. I have the urge to begin this with, hope you are well, as if I were emailing a professor, but I'd feel like that would be so weird. I've been listening to you guys since 2020 and finally caught up right before your live show, shout out 2/22 Toronto crowd!"
Em Schulz: Aww.
Christine Schiefer: "I promised myself back in 2020 that I would send in my magnum opus of a story when I finally caught up. So here I am."
Em Schulz: Oh yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Wow, this is exciting.
Em Schulz: I love it.
Christine Schiefer: I'm sure... I do too. "I'm sure by the subject line, you're probably confused." Well, I thought it was pretty clear, anyway, uh "So I'll just crack into it. This story does involve my mom's entire family, and I've actually had to change everyone's name, including mine to protect our identities. My family is terrified that the cult will one day find us again!"
Em Schulz: Oh god.
Christine Schiefer: "And so we try to keep a low profile about it. I'm going to apologize now for how sporadic this is, I've had to gather the information from my mom in bits and pieces over the years because she's still so traumatized from it."
Em Schulz: Oh shit.
Christine Schiefer: "I'll keep it as organized as I can, but it will be messy. I don't have much of a timeline to follow. So basically, my mom was born into a cult, it's called Exclusive Brethren, and is very much still around today. I would say it's the most similar cult-wise to what the Duggars were in..."
Em Schulz: [gasp]
Christine Schiefer: Parentheses, "(IDK the name) or Scientology."
Em Schulz: Oh.
Christine Schiefer: Those are very different. I wonder what crossover.
Em Schulz: I know.
Christine Schiefer: They're like the Venn diagram of Scientology and the Duggars. Wow.
Em Schulz: Maybe the isolation from the public, I suppose, I don't... That's the only... If I, if I, if you said Scientology and I said quiverfull, and we had a mind meld, I'd be like, oh, hating other everybody else who doesn't like them.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, but they also love being famous. Like they love celebrity, both of them.
Em Schulz: Oh right. Okay, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: I don't know though. I don't know.
Em Schulz: Okay. If you came to me one day, Christine, and you said, I've joined a club. It's called Exclusive Brethren. How do you want me to play that? Because...
Christine Schiefer: Call Maggie our manager, please. 'Cause she'll be like, fucking snap out of it.
Em Schulz: I'm gonna call Eva and be like, uh I think you and I are on our own my friend.
Christine Schiefer: No, you two are too nice, you need to call Maggie and be like just get her back.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Or call my mom. She'll know what to do.
Em Schulz: Okay, great.
Christine Schiefer: Umm "My grandparents were also born into the cult and had an arranged marriage." Okay, wow, so they were born, the grandparents were born into it and then arranged to marry each other, so the mom wouldn't have even been born if the grandparents weren't... Wow.
Em Schulz: Yeah. So it's like third generation...
Christine Schiefer: Whoa-ho-ho.
Em Schulz: By, by cause and effect. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: That's wild. "They had five kids, which was small for most families in the church." Okay, there I'm getting the quiverfull thing. "Will, Olivia, Steve, my mom and Dan, every single day, they would go to church and on Sundays, they would be in church all day, and the entire community would gather in someone's house for dinner Sunday night. Women and girls could not cut their hair and had to only wore skirts or dresses, and when saying grace at dinner, women and girls had to get out of their seats and kneel on the floor with a napkin on their head..."
Em Schulz: Oh.
Christine Schiefer: Parentheses (I wish I was joking). Pretty much all forms of entertainment were banned in the cult, including television, radios, movies, pretty much everything, but books. My grandpa had a job outside the cult, and so sometimes he would sneak in things like VHS tapes or records for the family to listen to. I'm sure you can see how my grandpa did not love the rules and did not always follow them, go off," that's a... [laughter] That's what they said about their grandpa.
Em Schulz: Okay gramps.
Christine Schiefer: "Go off gramps. Because he worked outside the cult, they were not able to control him as well as the others. The last straw for my grandpa was when they forbade him from accepting a raise at work because it was money that would benefit my mom's family specifically, instead of the cult. You weren't really meant to keep money for yourself and should instead donate it to the cult so that it would fund the community."
Em Schulz: Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Right? It's the same as every fucking cult. "This next part is hard to explain, but I'm going to try. My grandparents had been brainwashed in this cult since they were kids, and so they really believed that leaving the church was condemning them to hell. They wanted to do the right thing and prevent their kids from a fate in hell. So when my grandparents fled the cult, they only took my mom and her younger brother Dan..."
Em Schulz: Mm.
Christine Schiefer: "The three oldest stayed." Oh, wow.
Em Schulz: They were like fuck them kids.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, they, no, they were like the three get to stay in heaven, these two, they're not gonna... They're not gonna make it.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: When they said fuck them kids, they meant it about different kids at different times for different things.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh. "The three oldest stayed. This decision absolutely was wrong, but I know in my heart, my grandparents were trying to do right. When you're told your whole life, leaving is to accept eternal punishment, why would you wanna put your kids through that? They took the two youngest and left the older three who were all teenagers at that point. The cult separated my aunt from my uncles and had them live with other families in the cult. The cult believed in shunning members who had left, so they were completely cut off from the rest of their family. My grandparents realized quickly, they made a big mistake; however, it was not easy to make it better, this is where the timeline is hardest because it's so hard to ask my mom about this time. What I know for certain is that Will, the oldest, and Steve, middle, were gotten back first. Getting my aunt back was hard. She was apparently kept as a live-in maid in the house she lived in and was verbally abused by the family she was staying with. When my uncles left, the cult knew that my grandparents were going to try and get her out, so they started setting my aunt up with an arranged marriage to a man in Australia, she was 16."
Em Schulz: Oh wow. Whew.
Christine Schiefer: So essentially, they're saying... So, so what Julia is saying is that they left three of the kids there thinking like, okay, they are already teenagers, they can stay in the church and you know maybe if they wanna get out when they're older, that's their decision, what have you. But then when they got out with the two youngest, they were like, shit, we wanna get them back and bring them out of the cult.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Well, I feel like they probably saw the two younger ones and probably felt like we still have time to... We've already... The others are already probably a little too brain-washed, the others we can maybe still, quote, "save."
Christine Schiefer: But they, but they like, but they like really believed that like leaving was...
Em Schulz: Or maybe they just felt like they were... They still had to be responsible for these other two kids, but the other ones, they could, they were adults enough that they could just stay.
Christine Schiefer: Right. That's kind of, at least, I can't say, but that's where my mind went was like...
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, they're teenagers, they can like fend for themselves a little better, they can stay in the cult if they want. They can leave if they want. They're old enough, but of course, the, I imagine the youngest ones being much littler. You don't wanna just like leave them?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: I mean I don't know. So it sounds like they tried to get them back, but it was very, very difficult. Um. It sounds like Will and Steve, they got back. Okay. Um. But the aunt was being basically like hidden from her family...
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: From her parents. "My grandparents got her out in a really smart way. They went to her part-time job when she wasn't working and explained to the manager that uh what was happening. Imagine getting that story." Okay...
Em Schulz: Truly.
Christine Schiefer: I feel like that's something that uh Jay at Starbucks [laughter] would be like okay another crazy ass thing.
Em Schulz: Jay would be like, I need to quit. This is too... Lite this is so above my pay rate, this is not for me.
Christine Schiefer: I thought I was making flat whites, now I am a part of like a hostage negotiation or something. [laughter] Uh. Wow. "So they went to the job saying to the manager, this is what's going on, then they hid their grand... So then they hid my grandparents' car and their car behind the store, so that when my aunt came in for her shift, they snuck her out the back and put her in the car and got away." Wow.
Em Schulz: Damn. Wow.
Christine Schiefer: "It took over a year to get my aunt back so that when my mom saw her again, she thought she was just a cousin and didn't recognize her as her own sister."
Em Schulz: Oh that's so sad.
Christine Schiefer: That's so sad. "When my mom was 18, which was nine years after getting out of the cult, there was a knock on the front door."
Em Schulz: Oh shit.
Christine Schiefer: "She answered the door, it was the '80s, but still big no, and was greeted by two men."
Em Schulz: Forget it.
Christine Schiefer: "They asked her if Olivia, her sister, was home, and my mom said no, then they explained that they were from the cult, although they obviously called it a church, and were wondering if the Olivia would like to come back to be with them."
Em Schulz: Uhh.
Christine Schiefer: "They then said that my mom was also welcome back and that all her sins would be forgiven if she did. My mom then drops the most fire jaw dropping line to these old men, quote, 'You know what, I know I'm going to heaven. I hope you make it there too,' and closes the fucking door on them."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Good job. Good job.
Christine Schiefer: Good luck with that.
Em Schulz: Good job.
Christine Schiefer: "That's what I know about the cult, I'm sure there's more but asking upsets my mom so much that I don't like to. A few years ago, one of my mom's cousins left the cult and ended up reuniting with my family after decades, so there are absolutely still family members in there. There are do... There are dominions of this church in Canada, the US, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand. So who knows maybe more people know about it. Christine, if you ever wanna cover it and it's history like with Scientology, one of my favorite episodes, I've linked a City News Toronto documentary they did in 2022. Thank you for listening to me ramble. I'm so sorry, it was long. Uh. I love the podcast so much, and y'all are amazing. Keep doing what you do best. Love and lemons, Julia, a Sagittarius."
Em Schulz: Ugh, wow.
Christine Schiefer: Wow. Wow.
Em Schulz: Hopefully your mom's cool with everything you just said to us publicly, but I uh...
Christine Schiefer: Well, she did say she changed all their names, including her own, so...
Em Schulz: That's fair. That's a fair... That's fair.
Christine Schiefer: I'm, I'm sure this is a you know...
Em Schulz: Although Exclusive Breth-brethren, is that what it was called? Extreme brethren.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Exclusive.
Em Schulz: Uh. Please cover that one day if you can, that sounds really good.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, it says here, Exclusive Brethren are subset of the Christian Evangelical movement, generally described as the Plymouth Brethren.
Em Schulz: Oh, okay.
Christine Schiefer: Whoa.
Em Schulz: Okay, interesting. Well, we've got one last story. This is from Maddy who uses she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And the subject line is Toronto Live Show.
Christine Schiefer: Whoo!
Em Schulz: Um. And here, here we go. "Hey, you guys, I just had to reach out to share my experience at your live show." Oh fuck, okay. Well...
Christine Schiefer: Uh-oh.
Em Schulz: "It was a," in all caps, "TIME."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Well worth, well worth the three-hour drive from up north. Uh. First of all, I just wanted to say how much fun the show was," I feel like we paid Maddy to say this publicly for us.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. What's happening? Is this like a promo? Is actually an advertisement?
Em Schulz: Yeah. I hope so. It's, it's lovely. It's lovely. I hope...
Christine Schiefer: I love it.
Em Schulz: Maybe it'll make other people wanna come to our show one day. Okay.
Christine Schiefer: Maybe.
Em Schulz: Uh. "I just wanted to say how much fun the show was. I loved the content, the story, and of course, you're humor. I had an absolute blast, I dragged my fiance there, uh but he claims that he did enjoy himself, so bravo."
Christine Schiefer: Yay!
Em Schulz: "My little experience happened even before the show began, immediately upon entering the building, I ditched my man and headed straight to the merch because duh."
Christine Schiefer: Pff!
Em Schulz: Thank you so much. "I saw the table and followed the line, which uh might I mention led me down a hall, up the stairs, past the bar, around another corner, down some stairs and basically, back to where I was standing when I entered the building."
Christine Schiefer: Oh my God. Okay, people always say the merch line's really long. I didn't think quite think it was that long. Wow.
Em Schulz: Um. Yeah. It's very... By the way, nothing makes me happier about our live shows, than people wanting to buy our merch, it makes me so happy.
Christine Schiefer: It makes me... Me too. It's so, so validating.
Em Schulz: Umm "Luckily, the line moved relatively fast and my fiance delivered me drinks while I waited. I was finally closing in on the merch table where the hallway, hallway was sectioned off, so there was space between us and the merch line and people entering the theater or hitting the bar. I was turned towards the table and deep thought of, do I get the sweet purple tie-dye tour tee or the light blue tie-dye planchette long sleeve." Both good ones.
Christine Schiefer: ¿Por qué no los dos?
Em Schulz: ¿Por qué no los dos? [laughter] Uhh, "When I felt a hand passed by both of the back of my legs." Ugh.
Christine Schiefer: Ahh!
Em Schulz: By the backs of my legs. Yuck.
Christine Schiefer: What?
Em Schulz: Yuck. Um. Okay, so you felt someone like swipe your legs as, "As if someone was walking behind me and wanted me to know that they were there, so I didn't back up into them." Oh, okay, so just kind of like a putting their hand on you while they want past.
Christine Schiefer: Like to say like I'm, I'm scooching on by.
Em Schulz: Yeah, "I immediately thought, who the fuck brought their child here because the rubs along my legs just so below my knees like a child passing by and feeling everything as they go."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "I swiveled around so quick to catch a glimpse of this creepy kid and their die hard And That's Why We Drink parents who maybe couldn't find a babysitter?" I love that someone in Toronto brought their kid and now they're having to hear from another person who went to the Toronto show their kid is creepy.
Christine Schiefer: No, no. I think they're saying there was no kid. Like she just whipped around and be like, what creepy kid was that that somebody brought to a show.
Em Schulz: I mean, it says, "I swiveled around to to catch a glimpse of this creepy kid, oh and die hard their ATWWD parents, and absolutely no one was close to me, like I mean a two-meter radius around me of no one. It was dope."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Okay. Cool.
Christine Schiefer: That's not the word I expected.
Em Schulz: "Anyways, I ended up with the purple tie-dye tee and made my way towards the theater. Right before stepping in, I saw a girl yacking..."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Into a garbage can with her friend."
Christine Schiefer: Oh I thought she was gonna be a little girl. I was like, oh my god, it's her. Oh no.
Em Schulz: "I saw a girl yacking into the garbage, came with her friend and a security guard, uh and I thought this is going to be fucking awesome."
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Wow, who knew, Em. Meanwhile we're just sitting backstage eating carrots and ranch dressing. I didn't know things were so fucking hip hop happening out there.
Em Schulz: If I knew it was so lit in the fucking like the seats of our show...
Christine Schiefer: YEah, what?
Em Schulz: I would be hanging out over there.
Christine Schiefer: I had no idea.
Em Schulz: Everyone just getting so like fucked up before the show's even begun, like, oh yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Who knew.
Em Schulz: So Maddy says, "These are my people, I sat and laughed and was totally hooked on the entire show. I ended up spilling my rum and coke on our new And That's Why We Drink shirt, which I kinda just accepted and took as a sign of good luck, maybe like a christening."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: "Anyways, amazing job to you both, and uh especially Eva, if you three ever dress up as Zak Bagans for Halloween again, Eva should most definitely be Aaron."
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Oh! Honestly, she already is the essence of Aaron when we make her go to the boiler room, so yeah, fair point.
Em Schulz: "I love you all, thank you for coming to Ontario. Also a huge shout out to the guy running the merch table, that guy was so sweating, pumping up, uh purchases..."
Christine Schiefer: Aww.
Em Schulz: "And uh, sorry for the length. Come back to Canada any time. Also Em, I truly hope someone told you to try a beaver tail while you were here. Uh. Google it. Love you. Mean it, Maddy." I don't know what a beaver tail is.
Christine Schiefer: What's a beaver tail? Okay, let me Google it. Beaver tail. I'm assuming that's food.
Em Schulz: Yeah, right.
Christine Schiefer: Beaver tail. Oh a pastry. Ooh, oh my... Oh, I see, it's like a flattened pastry, that's why it's called a beaver tail.
Em Schulz: Makes sense.
Christine Schiefer: That sounds good.
Em Schulz: Um. I am sad I didn't try, but just another reason to go back to Toronto.
Christine Schiefer: Deep fried... Oh my God, deep fried uh dough, covered in cinnamon and sugar. I mean, come on.
Em Schulz: Yeah, I think, I think that's something that I'll be eating for sure.
Christine Schiefer: I mean I don't think that's a hard sell for any of us.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Anyway, uh I'm so glad that something spooky happened at a spooky themed show, so...
Christine Schiefer: I know, but not spooky enough to ruin it. Like spooky enough to make it exciting. [chuckle]
Em Schulz: And for a second, I thought that you really did see a creepy kid in our audience, and I was like, oh my God that's so wild.
Christine Schiefer: I know, I know... Yeah, I know. At first I was like, wait, there, there's no one there. So there can't be a real kid, but I'm like, no baby sitter, no problem. He'll sit on my lap.
Em Schulz: Exactly. [laughter] There was a show we just had, there was a show we just had where someone brought their baby and then I felt bad because I was, I didn't really like talk shit about babies. Um.
Christine Schiefer: Oh yeah. Well, they know what they're doing, they know what they're getting into.
Em Schulz: The baby was maybe like a paid actor because like if the baby was gonna cry at any point in our show, it was right before we started talking about the baby portion of the show, and I was like, oh well, that worked out really well.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, did the baby... I don't remember this at all. There was a baby crying?
Em Schulz: Well, the show was over now, now that it's May. Oh no, so... We got two... No, we don't. Tomorrow is our final show of the tour.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Our last show. Aww.
Em Schulz: But we talk about like one of their, one of the ghosts is like a little haunted kid, and it happened... The baby cried right at that moment, I was like oh well this is...
Christine Schiefer: I don't remember that at all.
Em Schulz: Perfect segue. Um. Anyway, yeah, tomorrow is our very last show of On The Rocks, and it's a very, it's very sad and bitter sweet.
Christine Schiefer: Bitter sweet. Yeah. Yeah.
Em Schulz: And that being said, please be on the look out for future dates to our new tour, Pour Decisions.
Christine Schiefer: Pour Decisions! Now we've announced it. Okay and also Em came up with the name. Isn't it great? Also, it's gonna be a whole brand new show. So...
Em Schulz: And Pour Decisions is spelled P-O-U-R, pour.
Christine Schiefer: Oh of course. Of course.
Em Schulz: Yes, yes, yes. Uh. Because we're making pour decisions, well Christine is probably pouring things all over the floors of the location. You know what I'm saying?
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, we get it.
Em Schulz: Um. Anyway. Uh. Thank you everyone, I hope you have a happy May. And uh we look forward to seeing you with a whole new set of listener stories for our birthday. So...
Christine Schiefer: Yay! Bring cake.
Em Schulz: And pre-order our book, "A Haunted Road Atlas: Next Stop." I'm really plugging the shit out of this one 'cause I kept forgetting to do it on our last book.
Christine Schiefer: Uhh you... You really are...
Em Schulz: So I'm trying to make I'm trying to make up for it, but if you would like to pre-order, it helps our sales uh, in, in the first week, and you can find the link in the show notes, you can also find it in our social media bio. Please pre-order our book, "A Haunted Road Atlas: Next Stop." And...
Christine Schiefer: That's...
Em Schulz: Why...
Christine Schiefer: We...
Em Schulz: Drink.