[intro music]
Em Schulz: Hello and welcome to a, uh, a silly surprise, a silly, uh, creepy surprise that we've had, uh, cooking up over here. As you can see, I've got my very lovely backdrop, uh, wanted to keep with the vibe, got my purple velvet robe on, which I won't start talking about 'cause otherwise I won't shut up. And I have yet to see what's cooking on Christine's end. It has, it is to be revealed to me with the rest of you.
Christine Schiefer: You can...
Em Schulz: Oh my God.
Christine Schiefer: Call me Mrs. Mothman.
Em Schulz: Mm I like it. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Welcome.
Em Schulz: Umm, for those not watching, what a waste of your time. Umm, here is sexy Mothman. [Em makes snare drum noises]
Christine Schiefer: I'm just feeling the coffee house vibe today, I'm very excited to, uh, get everybody's stories going.
Em Schulz: I wish you had a long Cruella de Vil cigarette. You know. I feel like...
Christine Schiefer: Maybe I do...
Em Schulz: That's...
Christine Schiefer: Maybe I don't. This is a non-smoking establishment, otherwise I would've brought it with me.
Em Schulz: I feel like what's happening over there is you're willing to break the rules a little bit, though. Umm, so I don't know if you can gather what's happening, but, umm... [laughter] This... [chuckle] Are you gonna just kind of bob the whole time?
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I'm letting you be the EM-C.
Em Schulz: Oh, okay. With the yikes. Uh, good luck to everybody, but, umm, to anyone wondering, "oh, I really wanted, And That's Why We Drink, to do, umm, Cryptids Unscripted this year, but they never did it." Ah, we did it, it's right now. Welcome.
Christine Schiefer: Dummy. Sorry, I was yelling at...
Em Schulz: What'd you say?
Christine Schiefer: Oh, I said dummy. I was yelling at the audience.
Em Schulz: Oh, [laughter] I thought you said, tell me. And I went, "tell you what I'm telling you right now."
Christine Schiefer: No, sorry. I was insulting everyone.
Em Schulz: Now I feel like a dummy.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: Aha, I see. No, we're doing, we're doing Cryptids Unscripted. We just, things kind of got in the way this time around. Can you believe it we didn't stick to something. But I, we felt like I still really wanted to do Cryptids Unscripted, Christine really wanted to do it. So this is, umm, the fun poem part. Unfortunately, this, because it's not live, that means there is no live auction going on. But we've got some poems, we've got some coffee shop music to play underneath as if we're really there before your very eyes.
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm.
Em Schulz: Christine looks like she is going to be a villain by the end of this episode.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Umm, I mean, she looks like Mothman, but something's rubbing me in a way where I'm intrigued, but fearful all at the same time.
Christine Schiefer: Something's rubbing me too, and it's this sharp feather and it's poking my throat. So we'll see how the night unfolds, this is a very Moira Rose neck situ... Feathery situation.
Em Schulz: You're giving Moira Rose energy, for sure.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Thank you so much. That's the nicest compliment I've ever received.
Em Schulz: Umm, [chuckle] it's incredible.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: You really, I have to be honest, nobody would wonder what you are, everyone knows that you're Mothman.
Christine Schiefer: That's so nice. I actually realized, 'cause I wore this for our last... Our Halloween show in Atlanta, uh, last year. And, uh, I forgot I had like little antennas with curlies and I forgot them, I left them somewhere in my closet, but I, I had this in a box and I was like, I, I was gonna donate it, and then I was like, I know I'll find a use for it. And lo and behold, [laughter] here we are.
Em Schulz: Well, I wanted, I thought the exact same thing where, "oh, I'll wear my Hircine Shifter outfit, but...
[laughter]
Em Schulz: I actually, when I was in Atlanta, I donated all of it before I got...
Christine Schiefer: You like immediately got rid of it. Yeah.
Em Schulz: And like...
Christine Schiefer: I mean, I was packing all my feathers away and my like, giant like boots and combat... But I, I packed it all very carefully and you were like, "I'm getting rid of this shit."
Em Schulz: I, I brought a whole like mini suitcase or duffle bag or something to hold all of it to get to Atlanta. And then...
Christine Schiefer: That's true. You had a separate suitcase for your costume. [laughter] That's true, I do recall that.
Em Schulz: And then on the way to the airport, I made my Uber driver stop at a Goodwill on the way to the airport, and I just dumped the duffle, so.
Christine Schiefer: You dumped like my identity out.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Uh, so thanks. [chuckle]
Em Schulz: Umm, I really, I do regret it though because today would've been the perfect time, so.
Christine Schiefer: It, I, I see. Listen, sometimes hoarding tendencies do me good, rarely, but sometimes. [laughter]
Em Schulz: So today we've just kind of got a general Halloween thing going on, but Halloween's right around the corner folks. So.
Christine Schiefer: And by the way...
Em Schulz: I think this works out.
Christine Schiefer: If, if, uh, if few folks haven't caught it yet, uh, it is Friday the 13th that we released this, we thought it would be...
Em Schulz: Mwuah-ha-ha-ha-haa.
Christine Schiefer: Very special.
Em Schulz: Uh, happy Friday the 13th, Christine, and...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, you too.
Em Schulz: I wish you all the worst luck of your life.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, oh my God. Ditto.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Okay. Well, umm, thank you to Eva per usual, umm, for finding these poems that people have submitted in. Now, because this, uh, isn't live and we never actually put out a formal request, we're actually going through the, the past submissions.
Christine Schiefer: Right.
Em Schulz: That we never got to read. So this is actually working out really well for us because we didn't wanna ignore all the...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. We had so many...
Em Schulz: Other times.
Christine Schiefer: Good submissions. And then when, uh, you know, things went south with the live show last year, and then, uh, you know, we had a bunch that... Yeah, like Em said, we, we didn't want to neglect. So these are all brand new ones you haven't heard before.
Em Schulz: And I think Eva said, umm, you should go first, so.
Christine Schiefer: That's right. So here I go. And you know, we, Em and I don't have the music playing right now, so we're just imagining it. Umm.
Em Schulz: It sounds good, though.
Christine Schiefer: It's kind of like on Beach Too Sandy, when we just pretend like there's sad music underneath, even though there's not yet. So I'm gonna try my best to sound, you know, to match the music.
Em Schulz: Yeah. And if, if you'd like to snap your wings and your claws along...
Christine Schiefer: That's right.
Em Schulz: To the beat...
Christine Schiefer: That's right.
Em Schulz: We are all one in this coffee shop today.
Christine Schiefer: That's exactly...
Em Schulz: This creepy, creepy coffee shop.
Christine Schiefer: Ooh, that's exactly right, Em. I love that. Okay, here we go. This one says, "Dear Eva, Em and Christine, my name is Michelle. She/her, when I heard about your Cryptid Poetry Slam, I knew I had to write something. I'm from Switzerland and the only cryptids I grew up with are the Krampus," which I have up here, actually, Em, the one you gave me.
Em Schulz: I love him.
Christine Schiefer: Whom I love, uh. "And the Tatzelwurm." Oh my gosh. "My mom threatened to call St. Nicholas, who would take me to live in the black forest with him when I was naughty." Yeah. This very German cautionary tales happening here. [laughter] Uh, "thanks to your podcast, I can now educate my friends on all the spooky stuff I learned from you. Now, here is my poem. To set the scene first. It's a rainy Friday night."
Em Schulz: Hmm.
Christine Schiefer: "We are sitting in a dark old jazz club." Okay. Here we can fade the music in folks. [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "In the corner of the bar sits a mysterious, fluffy creature. Its face covered by a black hat, smoking a cigar. He looks at you revealing his chipmunk like face."
Em Schulz: Oh.
Christine Schiefer: "He looks tired, almost sad. Emptying his whiskey. He gets up and waddles onto the stage and addresses the audience."
Em Schulz: We got it too.
Christine Schiefer: "Fellow lost souls. Sit back and relax as I recite my newest poem titled, Reunited at Last."
Em Schulz: [gasp] Ooh.
Christine Schiefer: "My friend, where are you? Alone in the woods, I'm searching for you. The tree you grew on, still standing, reminding me of your absence. I wander the woods searching, longing for you. My zesty friend."
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: "Ewanju keer, Ewanju keer, here with me. Krampus brought me the news of you living in a place far away. Ewanju keer, Ewanju keer, here with me. The Hircine Shifter has kept you captive, imprisoned in glass to preserve your eternal beauty. Guarded by a wannabe Canadian Bigfoot who only keeps you alive to please the Shifter. Ewanju keer, Ewanju keer, here with me, on my way to find you. I am step by step. My tiny feet will carry me closer and closer to you, my zesty friend. I am coming to get you. We will be reunited at last one day." Thank you. [music fades out]
Em Schulz: Oh, well done.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: It says, "I hope you enjoyed my little ode to the Pukwudgie. This tiny guy is my favorite cryptid, apart from the Shifter, of course. Please let Lemon know that his friend is looking for him, and that they will be reunited soon. Thanks for all the amazing work you do. Can't wait to hear about all the fun adventures. Baby Lamp and Funko M will go on. Hugs from Switzerland, Michelle."
Em Schulz: Ooh. Okay. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. And, umm...
Christine Schiefer: What a beautiful poetry.
Em Schulz: What a way to kick this off and what a sultry voice to to, to recite it to.
Christine Schiefer: Lemon. [laughter] [laughter]
Em Schulz: All right. Our, our next one is interesting, also called Pukwudgie at the Bar.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, we got a theme going.
Em Schulz: Okay. This is from...
Christine Schiefer: I guess maybe the second Pudgy way... Pudgy, the second Pudge... Pa, Jesus. Christine.
Em Schulz: Oh my God. Are you okay girl?
Christine Schiefer: I got stage fright maybe, umm...
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I think the second Pukwudgie was maybe like emboldened by his friend going first, you know?
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: And he's like, "okay, now I can go."
Em Schulz: I see, I see. Yeah. The, uh, the comradery is alive and well today in this creepy Cryptid Coffee Shop.
Christine Schiefer: Exactly. Correct.
Em Schulz: So this is, uh, from Erica, uh, who uses she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. Umm, and Erica says, "I wanted to be more clever with my opening," uh, who just said hello. [laughter] "But I'll try to keep it simple. Thank you, Eva, for opening and reading this email. Uh, thanks for reading it on the pod. And you," I don't know if that's to Eva or us, "are delightful." Well, and that's why your story got picked, my friend.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Eva's such a sucker.
Em Schulz: Uh, so now this is, uh, Erica's submission for the Cryptid Poetry Slam inspired by Casey at the bat, by Ernest Lawrence Thayer in episode 304's talk of Cryptid baseball teams.
Christine Schiefer: Aha. Yes.
Em Schulz: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "The outlook wasn't brilliant for the Bridgewater Triangles that day. The Paranormal League finals had two more brackets to play."
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm.
Em Schulz: "The Triangles won today's last game, and the Jersey Devils did the same, creating a well-earned thirst after their games. Both Cryptid teams went to Bigfoot's Bar, where the majority found seats and corners afar. The Triangles' Pukwudgie and a coach of the Devils approached the bar for drinks and vettels. The coach was named Lulu, and the Puk was named Tuck. Tuck fancied Lulu so tried their luck. While the two cryptids sat Tuck attempted a different pat bat. Lulu recently single, lovely and tall, Tuck a romantic, but shy overall, Lulu's head lifted and Tuck's throat did clear before sharing congrats, small talk and cheer. From a corner came a lusty yell that humbled Tuck and rattled Lulu as well. Bigfoot retorted, "Enough of that," sadly, their convo still fell flat. Lulu awkwardly checked her nails, Tuck's words started to fail. Teammates gave jeers, "Tuck the finger because hope still did linger.""
Christine Schiefer: Hmm.
Em Schulz: "Hundreds of eyes were watching them flirt. Tuck's ears, reddened, and stomach did hurt."
Christine Schiefer: Hmm.
Em Schulz: "Finally, Bigfoot brought Lulu's pitchers and glasses. So Tuck offered help but tripped causing splashes."
Christine Schiefer: Oh.
Em Schulz: "Wetting the floor and Lulu's top, Tuck stood mortified watching each drip drop. Close by the hairy barman came to their aid. "Sorry," pled Tuck. "Strike one," the Devils bade. "Please let me help," Tuck managed to yelp. Lulu accepted the towel with Tuck's help. "Kill him, Lulu, charge the mound," shouted a Devil. "All right," Bigfoot hushed. "Take it down a level.""
[chuckle]
Em Schulz: "With the smile of charity Lulu's eyes shone. Tuck's stomach fluttered and groaned. Tuck paid for more pitchers, but once more, they tripped. "Strike two," a Devil bellowed as Lulu's top ripped."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "A remorseful Tuck begged, "Let me help, please." "Stop. Just stop," Lulu decreed. Lulu stirred in cold, Tuck feeling less bold. Wouldn't leave their feelings untold. With a last effort, Tuck asked for a date. And agony Tuck fell quiet to wait. Everyone expected Lulu's hell no. Tuck, squirmed and gulped while time did slow. Oh, somewhere in this paranormal land, the moon shines through as a Pukwudgie Beckons, "Keer. Ee wahn chu." And another Jersey Devils accepting this shout, but there is no joy in Bigfoot's bar for Tuck the Pukwudgie has struck out." [music fades out]
[applause]
Em Schulz: Man, bad day to be Tuck.
Christine Schiefer: It's a beautiful story. A beautiful, tragic tale.
Em Schulz: I, I was hoping for a happy ending. But it sounds like that Pukwudgie is a struckwudgie. Struck out.
Christine Schiefer: No. [laughter] That's right. You know, it wouldn't be, uh, a proper poetry slam if there weren't some trauma dumping going on. You know.
Em Schulz: Heartache, heartache.
Christine Schiefer: Heartache and tummy ache.
Em Schulz: We all think about Lulu today.
Christine Schiefer: That's right. And, uh, and poor Tuck. Uh, may he find some happiness somewhere else. [laughter] Uh, thank you. Who is that from again?
Em Schulz: Erica.
Christine Schiefer: Thank you, Erica. All right. Uh, let me grab the mic. I have another, uh, submission here. [laughter] This is from Kristen, uh, who says, "as someone who has been to Point Pleasant, I have a probably unhealthy obsession with the one and only Mothman. So when I saw this opportunity, I just had to take it and have some fun. Thanks for the laughs and entertainment. This show has given me something to look forward to and distract me. Y'all are the best."
Em Schulz: That's true.
Christine Schiefer: "The title of this poem is Mothman, It's over."
Em Schulz: It's over.
Christine Schiefer: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "Come into the light. Join me in the day they warn of your flight. It's an omen they say. That bridge you destroyed, those people you scared, were these things you enjoyed? You never really cared. You had one goal in mind, and it pulled you in, forcing it all to unwind those lights, unreachable sin. You reach for the stars, but hit LEDs. That billboard isn't Mars. It's a sign for Arby's."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Good.
Christine Schiefer: [laughter] So good. "Your obsession with brightness worries us all. I know you can't fight this, but I can't take the fall. Go back to your lair or your cave or whatever. It's safer there. We can't be together." [music fades out]
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, that's powerful stuff, Kristen.
Em Schulz: Mmm. Wow. Wow.
Christine Schiefer: So tragic.
Em Schulz: I felt, I felt the head-on collision into Arby's. I felt that.
Christine Schiefer: That's, that part was visceral. I think we all, uh, had a visceral reaction to that line.
Em Schulz: I felt it egregiously, you know.
Christine Schiefer: It was, uh, painful at best.
Em Schulz: So... [laughter] So this next one, this is from Cassi who uses she/her pronouns. Thank you for normalizing pronouns. And Cassi on this fine night, in this creepy cryptid coffee shop, uh, wrote us a poem about the Fresno Nightcrawler.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Oh, I'm excited for that.
Em Schulz: All right. Get, get your feathers fluffed, everybody.
Christine Schiefer: I wonder... [laughter] I wonder if this is what, May... Is this our first, uh, uh, Nightcrawler poem?
Em Schulz: Maybe. Ever?
Christine Schiefer: Is this the night crawler's first, debut at the poetry slam? Maybe not. I might...
Em Schulz: I think she's dipping one of her little tippy toes right onto the stage for the first time.
Christine Schiefer: Ooh, imagine that leg though. Like boop-ba-doop-ba-doop. [laughter] Those two legs just strutting across the stage. Like cabaret.
Em Schulz: I feel like it's... Like she's doing it a little sexy, like a little...
Christine Schiefer: Yes.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Like one little leg is sticking out from behind the, the curtain.
Christine Schiefer: That's exactly it. The curtain, it's like a little tease, just like a little cabaret situation.
Em Schulz: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Burlesque...
Christine Schiefer: Beautiful.
Em Schulz: Fresno Nightcrawler.
Christine Schiefer: Burlesque.
Em Schulz: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "Oh, Fresno Night crawler, you crawler of night. The first time I saw you, you gave me a fright. Though, now I know better. You're all leg and no bite. I wish I could meet you. It'd be such a sight. We'd go somewhere quiet on a starlet hike. I'd spend the time wishing I were the one that you like."
Christine Schiefer: Oh.
Em Schulz: "Some say that you're alien, but that might be from spite. To me you're no different than some guy named Mike." The end. [music fades out]
[soft clapping]
Christine Schiefer: Beautiful.
Em Schulz: You know...
Christine Schiefer: I... Wow.
Em Schulz: I, I beg to differ. I think you're more than Mike. I think that's true on the Fresno Nightcrawler. I think...
Christine Schiefer: Uh, yeah.
Em Schulz: You've got a little warmer of a spot in my heart than just some Michael.
Christine Schiefer: To be fair, you haven't been rejected like apparently Cassi was, so. [laughter] Cassi is letting her...
Em Schulz: Oh, I've been rejected. Don't you worry. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Well, not by the Nightcrawler. [laughter] Uh, seems like she has a, another heartbreak here. I feel like everyone's just, uh, having some relationship problems today at this...
Em Schulz: You know what? It's a...
Christine Schiefer: Particular cryptid slam.
Em Schulz: It's a time for all of us to really look within.
Christine Schiefer: Yes. Yes.
Em Schulz: We've all been there.
Christine Schiefer: Just lo... You know, the... Love yourself.
Em Schulz: Mmm.
Christine Schiefer: Be one with yourself.
Em Schulz: You literally look like...
Christine Schiefer: I'm on drugs? [laughter] 'Cause that's what I feel I look like.
Em Schulz: You look like... I can't place it, but you look like some, umm... There was, there was either a Lizzie McGuire or like Lindsay Lohan, like Disney 2000s, like maybe The Parent Trap or something? There's a character you look exactly like. You look like... I, I have no idea off the...
Christine Schiefer: With the feathers?
Em Schulz: Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: 'Cause I don't think that was in Parent Trap but maybe a different one.
Em Schulz: With everyone's eyes, uh, that's watching, one of us knows what I'm talking about, but there's...
Christine Schiefer: Someone knows, someone will know.
Em Schulz: But there's... It's from a movie and you're like, you look like the evil person that comes out to like... Someone knows what I'm talking...
Christine Schiefer: Meredith the step mom?
Em Schulz: Kind of. Maybe that's it. No, I can't... I don't remember a scene where she's in feathers. But you really look like... I don't know. Maybe...
Christine Schiefer: Are you sure...
Em Schulz: It's like the Lizzie McGuire movie and you look like, like you're about to go on stage. I have no idea. [laughter] I just can't stop trying to place you.
Christine Schiefer: Well, I think I look like Mothman about to read a poem, uh, that was sent in by Kay.
Em Schulz: Forgive me.
Christine Schiefer: Yes. Uh...
Em Schulz: You're right.
Christine Schiefer: Kay, who says she/her and cancer. So...
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: You know this is gonna be heartfelt.
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: So this says, "Hello," it's from Kay, "here is some poetry I wrote inspired by ZB and his crew and the ghost they interact with."
Em Schulz: Ooh.
Christine Schiefer: "Hope you enjoy."
Em Schulz: Okay. This will be the most haunting of them all, I think, tonight.
Christine Schiefer: I, I agree. I agree. I think we're all on edge.
Em Schulz: And the most sexual tension, me thinks. So I don't know.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, ho ho, lala. Let's call this one Empty.
Em Schulz: Ooh.
Christine Schiefer: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "The house on the hill has been empty for years. The paint has peeled, the wood now creeks and the ceiling leaks with every coming rain."
Em Schulz: Oh.
Christine Schiefer: "And yet I still reside here. My voice has turned into the groans of wind as it passes through the windows. My cries are the force that raises the hairs on your arm. As you pass me by, I see nothing and everything. I scream at intruders that disturb my eternal damnation, but their recordings only pick up whispers."
Em Schulz: Hmm.
Christine Schiefer: "While they record the hair standing on their arms, they wonder why they shed tears as they film. My loneliness is in their eyes. I am only the ball of light debunked as dust or a stray bug. As I run through their skin, I am desperate to feel their life to no avail for I am no longer physical, but I am here, although you cannot see me. And this house is anything but empty."
Em Schulz: Hmmm.
Christine Schiefer: "The end." [music fades out]
Em Schulz: Rumble, rumble. My immortal portal is just...
Christine Schiefer: That was sad. That was so fucking sad. This is a sad poetry slam.
Em Schulz: I feel like it fits though with, uh...
Christine Schiefer: Oh, for sure.
Em Schulz: Whatever Zak Bagans sees when he looks in the mirror. Maybe he just...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Just like, uh, the ball of light dismissed as just a ball of light...
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: But it's really someone trying to...
Em Schulz: I mean, this is... I don't think it was sad. I think it was, umm, very fitting to some bullshit he would say thinking he was like really deep, you know?
Christine Schiefer: But it's about the ghost.
Em Schulz: I know. But I feel like if he were to personify it, this is what he'd say. For sure.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. Fair point, I suppose. Yeah.
Em Schulz: I totally see it. I totally see it. I think this was very on par.
Christine Schiefer: I, I mean, I agree with that 100%, umm, and...
Em Schulz: Well done. Who wrote that?
Christine Schiefer: I found, I found that very beautiful. That was Kay. Thank you, Kay.
Em Schulz: Thank you, Kay, for really knowing...
Christine Schiefer: Nailing it.
Em Schulz: Way too well how he might try to translate the experience of a ghost. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, Yeah. That was really powerful stuff.
Em Schulz: Our next one is from Marigold. And this one just kinda goes right into it. This says, "I, I wrote this immediately following the second annual Cryptids Unscripted." So here we go. [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "At one event per second, the frequency hurts."
Christine Schiefer: Hmm.
Em Schulz: "Ghosts calling in. They beckon. Spirit Box alerts. With strength of form and muscle, do you run away? The darkness post crepuscule, playground for the fray. Goosecam on your arms and legs, hair rising on end, words form at your lips you beg. Leave us, peaceful friend. Invisible fingertips descend down your spine. A shiver. Just get a grip. They target your mind. Again you plead, "Go away." The box answers, "No." The flashlight clicks off. They say, "And where will you go?" Heartbeat pounding in your ears, eyes see only black, you turn to run from your fears, they restrain you back. Alive or dead, they don't care much. Spirits never do. Yearn for flesh with a soft touch, inhabit skin, you."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Wide awake, you bolt upright. Al Pal sleeps beside. Radio static amidst fright. "A dream?" You still hide. Morning comes, you're paralyzed. An insomniac. The Spirit Box words randomized, "yes, we will be back."" [music fades out]
Christine Schiefer: Is that the end?
Em Schulz: That's the end.
Christine Schiefer: Beautiful. And also terrible. Sorry, Em, that seems to be about you and your future.
Em Schulz: Sure does. [chuckle] Sure does.
Christine Schiefer: Wow. I love it. Personally, I'm into it.
Em Schulz: Uh, personally, the part that I resonated most with was Al Pal sleeps beside and then also all the horrible stuff. So...
Christine Schiefer: And then everything else that's bad.
Em Schulz: All of it, all of it felt exactly accurate so...
Christine Schiefer: Especially the part where Em totally knew how to say crepuscule, uh, and so did I. Totally 100% without having to check Google and then editing that part out. So we're naturals and we know how to say that word...
Em Schulz: We could've gotten away... We could've gotten away with that, yep, uh...
Christine Schiefer: I couldn't help myself, uh...
Em Schulz: This is one of the reasons I don't like Mothman. [laughter] She just, she just talks and talks and talks. She doesn't even know when to stop talking.
Christine Schiefer: She can't keep her mouth shut. It's true. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Umm, no. Very well done. I, I gotta tell you, it all felt like just a, just a typical night in Burbank, California for me. So well done.
Christine Schiefer: Well done, beautiful. Uh, you really captured Em's day-to-day life. [laughter] Uh, this is from... Lemme see, Asher, they/he and...
Em Schulz: Double pronoun.
Christine Schiefer: Double pronoun. So Asher wrote, "I write as a hobby and I was bored at work and created this masterpiece." Ooh, okay.
Em Schulz: Oh, just... Okay, the confidence. Okay...
Christine Schiefer: Just loving it.
Em Schulz: Okay, King.
Christine Schiefer: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "Last night I put on my favorite podcast. What would Em cover? Never mind that Christine... " Okay. Wait, hang on a second. This is me, umm, interrupting from the audience. How dare you! And then security has me removed. Okay.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: And, and then I go, "Carry on. This is just fine."
Christine Schiefer: "Start over please. I'd like to hear it again."
Em Schulz: Say it louder. Yeah. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: "Last night, I put on my favorite podcast. What would Em cover? Never mind that Christine. [laughter] I looked on the episode guide and scrolled up to the last, my parasocial lover would get to speak to me."
Em Schulz: Ooh.
Christine Schiefer: "But it only lasted two hours, and they took all my power. Hey, there's an Em shaped hole in my heart. Got my headphones on in the dark. Who the hell is Allison?" [music cuts]
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Just ruining relationships everywhere.
Christine Schiefer: Wow, everyone's in just fucking destructo mode today. [laughter] [music fades in again] "Hey, there's an Em shaped hole in my heart. Got my headphones on in the dark. Who the hell is Allison? And just like James Madison, I'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by, through that Em shaped hole in my heart all the time. Episode 300, and I'm still a wasted space. Em, please just hover like a gray alien. It's been a good five years, and I still can't touch their face."
Em Schulz: What? [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: "And you'll just hug her. Em, what are you seeing?" [music cuts] Allison's gonna come kill you after, by the way, if you say one more word.
Em Schulz: No, Allison's gonna just look at me and go, "Iconic." Allison's gonna be like, is this on Wattpad? Like...
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: It feels like it is. [music fades in again] "But it only lasted two hours. And they took all my power. Hey, there's an Em-shaped hole in my heart. Got my headphones on in the dark. Who the hell is Allison? And just like James Madison, I'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by through that Em shaped hole in my heart all the time. Oh, if they were a murderer, I'd be their sadistic fan girl. And they'd be my superstar, murder me and my whole world. But they just passed right by through this Em shaped iris in my eye, right by. Hey, hey, there's an Em shaped hole in my heart. Hey, there's an Em shaped hole in my heart. Hey, there's an Em shaped hole in my heart." [laughter] "Got my headphones all in the dark. Who the hell is Allison? And just like James Madison, I'll write my own ghost story where they pass me right by through that Em shaped hole in my heart all the time." The end. [laughter] [music fades out] Hello? Oh my God. Em, you have a secret, not so secret admirer.
Em Schulz: I don't think it's very secret anymore. Umm...
Christine Schiefer: It's certainly very out in the open now. This is like a, a, a, umm, a slipped, a scripted poetry slam first, uh, that we have a profession... Well, not a profession of love, but a profession of love for the MC. This is a first.
Em Schulz: I, I'm very honored. My Gemini ego is all over the place currently. I'm gonna have to reel it in.
Christine Schiefer: Oh, Em's loving it. My Gemini ego is fucking seething outside.
Em Schulz: Destroyed. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I'm outside in the alley.
Em Schulz: Oooh. Wow. Well, I'm, I wonder what the, uh, Em-shaped hole in your heart looks like, because I'm betting it's like horizontal eating snacks and asleep until 3:00 PM. But I, I wonder what your, your, uh, idea of an Em-shaped hole looks like.
Christine Schiefer: I think, uh, I think Eva's just like trying to punish me. Like, the fact that I had to read that one out loud was so painful. [laughter] Like, who the hell cares about Christine? There's an Em-shaped hole in my heart. I had to say 85 times. [laughter] I was gonna be able to flip my voice saying that like I'm some sort of creepy fan girl. And, and Allison, the line about what do you see in her? Oh my Lord. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Uh, my, apparently my screen has gone, doesn't even know what to do about this information anymore. Uh, it's, I guess we're just gonna, it'll figure itself out.
Christine Schiefer: Wow. We are getting some serious drama in the building today. And I just snuck back in through the emergency exit. So I'm ready for, uh, the next poem.
Em Schulz: Oh my God. Okay, well, I'm sorry. It's blurry right now. Hang on a second.
Christine Schiefer: It gets, it gets worse every time you put your hand up. I would just like let it sit for a second.
Em Schulz: Okay.
Christine Schiefer: There it goes.
Em Schulz: Umm, thank you so much for the love letter. I am wondering where the, where the cryptid part of that is. Umm, I think...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Yeah. Eva, that's a weird choice to pick that one. Umm, just saying.
Em Schulz: I feel like that was not it. I feel like that one wasn't a Cryptid Unscripted entry. I feel like...
Christine Schiefer: They didn't even call you Cletus...
Em Schulz: That was...
Christine Schiefer: Which is your cryptid name.
Em Schulz: I feel like that was just a letter that got sent into the email and you just threw it in. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: That was just a love letter that got slipped in, and it was, I mean, it was very romantic. So, umm, you know.
Em Schulz: I'll take it. I'll take it.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. I love that for you.
Em Schulz: Umm, I can't wait to make Allison listen to that and then, umm, sing it to me every night. Umm...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. Well, apparently I was reading it and I'm like, "Oh, my God, it feels like this should be a song." 'Cause like, Hey...
Em Schulz: Yeah, it did sound like a song.
Christine Schiefer: It kept sing like, Hey. And I'm like, How do I... I wish I could sing 'cause I would've definitely started, started that halfway through, but, umm, maybe someone can... Well, I was gonna say, maybe someone can put some music behind it, and then I was like, never mind. I don't wanna propagate this any further. I feel like, umm...
Em Schulz: Well, with your feathers, you would've looked like a jaded pop star anyway. It would've been perfect.
Christine Schiefer: I... Moira Rose, I told you. [laughter] Uh, yeah. That was a wild ride for me. And I, I enjoyed every second of it, so, uh, thank you, Asher.
Em Schulz: I loved it. Thank you so much. Uh, good to know I've got someone out there, you know, in case all else fails.
Christine Schiefer: In case.
Em Schulz: Thank you. I'm glad I've got... I'm glad I could go into my email and, and that could just be speed dating for me, so, great.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, if you need a, a new, a new setup. I got you.
Em Schulz: All right. This is from, uh, Courtney. And, uh, this just straight to the point. Thanks, Courtney. All right. Here's our poem.
Em Schulz: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "Squonk."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "Your tears fill my heart. Don't run and hide. It is your time to shine. This may be simple. You look like you're covered in pimples, but don't frown because when you're around the clouds part and the sun showers start." That's it. [music fades out]
Christine Schiefer: That was beautiful.
Em Schulz: That, that could have been written on a Post-it note and stuffed in the Squonk's locker on a day when he wasn't feeling good. You know?
Christine Schiefer: Oh. Imagine. Honestly, that's so uplifting, and I feel like I would've imagined that the Squonk of all the poems would've been the saddest of all. But this one was the happiest so far.
Em Schulz: I mean, like in his own love letter, he did get called out about the pimples. That's gotta be rough.
Christine Schiefer: I know. That part seemed unnecessary, but, uh...
Em Schulz: I, maybe the pimples are honestly so bad that it had to be addressed. Otherwise, it...
Christine Schiefer: Someone had to say it.
Em Schulz: It would've looked like this wasn't genuine. You know.
Christine Schiefer: Maybe the Post-it note was on a bottle of Accutane that they slipped into, uh, the Squonk's locker.
Em Schulz: That is so sad. But probably... [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: That's the saddest thing we've said all day. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Look, I'm just happy. The, the love letter I got. No one mentioned my pimples, so I guess I'm doing better than the Squonk.
Christine Schiefer: That's true, man. You got like just glowing praise so far.
Em Schulz: Yeah. Uh, let's keep this gravy train going, you know.
Christine Schiefer: Okay, let's see what we got next. Another love letter. Let's see. This one's called... Oh dear. Oh dear. This one, it's from Alyse, she/her, and it's called The Budget Immortal Portal Poem/Song.
Em Schulz: Oh, excellent. I love that it's a song and I love that we don't know what rhythm we're supposed to sing it to.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. I love when they tell me, "Here's a song."
Em Schulz: Let's go.
[laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, let's go. Ready, set, go. [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "And That's Why We Drink, exploring the paranormal brink, drinking wine or frappes or shakes, all the stories you can take. Murderers and black-eyed kids, true crime and cryptids, UFOs and Men in Black into it we will crack. Tangents will happen. We devolve, crazy cases left unsolved. Zak attacks on bagel bites. The never ending Twitter frights. Christine attaches to petrified fruit."
Em Schulz: Mm-hmm.
Christine Schiefer: "Em pretends it's not a hoot."
Em Schulz: It's not.
Christine Schiefer: You keep pretending. [laughter] "Scary stories every week. Saturday sneak peeks. Bonus listener stories with CK, Scottish accent, takes my breath away. Props to Eva. Write that down. Don't forget, Sassy the clown. Sightings, voice, haunted dolls. Who knows what lurks in the halls. Mama Madness and emails. Linda's fashion and Renata's tales. Here we go into the Reddit void to see how people get annoyed." [laughter] Nope. Don't take me there, please. I don't wanna go.
Em Schulz: Redact it. Redact that, redact that.
Christine Schiefer: Redact it. "Geo, Scorpios and Geminis, Motive Opportunity Alibis, the podcast that forged best friends. I kind of hope it never ends." The end. [music fades out]
Em Schulz: Excellent.
Christine Schiefer: I also hope it never ends, but I don't kind of hope it never ends. I very sincerely hope it never ends.
Em Schulz: I very sincerely hope I can keep my job for as long as possible.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: That would be lovely.
Christine Schiefer: That was nice. Thank you. I loved that, actually.
Em Schulz: And we...
Christine Schiefer: That was like about, all about us.
Em Schulz: I was gonna say, we all, we all got a shout out. Where are the cryptids? What's going on? Okay.
Christine Schiefer: Where's the immortal portal?
Em Schulz: I feel like Eva just sucking right up to us.
Christine Schiefer: Okay. She said that, that these are the unhinged theme.
Em Schulz: Oh, I see. Excellent. Okay, well done. Well done, Eva.
Christine Schiefer: Excellent.
Em Schulz: Umm, it shows, so.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. It certainly does.
Em Schulz: Umm, before we get into this, I always mess this up. Is M-I-K-A M-ee-ka or M-i-ka or could it be either?
Christine Schiefer: I don't think... I think it's either.
Em Schulz: Oh, okay. I'm gonna...
Christine Schiefer: I would say M-ee-ka. It says that I'm from Austria, and in German you would say M-ee-ka, not M-i-ka.
Em Schulz: Okay. So this is from Mika who uses they/them pronouns and as a Gemini. So thank you so much to fellow Theminis.
Christine Schiefer: Themini!
Em Schulz: Mika says that they read, they wrote this after listening to the Hircine Shifter episode. I'm very excited.
Christine Schiefer: Aww.
Em Schulz: And my favorite thing is that it starts out... This isn't a poem, I don't think. It might be a bit of a poem, but it's a, a long form.
Christine Schiefer: Oh. Okay.
Em Schulz: And it starts Zak's Diary.
Christine Schiefer: No.
Em Schulz: Zak's Investigation. Day 523.
Christine Schiefer: [gasp] Shut the fuck up.
Em Schulz: Shall I read it as Zak?
Christine Schiefer: Obviously!
Em Schulz: [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "And then I saw her... "
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "The one I had been looking for all along, the one I was destined to be investigating. I saw her bright eyes glowing in the dark, her patchy fur, her plum juice covered belly, she was more demonic than I could have ever imagined."
Christine Schiefer: [music cuts] So is this my love story? Yours was like so infatuated. Mine is like, "she's fucking gross, but there she is."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: Here's her hairy juice stained belly. [laughter] And she's...
Christine Schiefer: The first thing you notice is her belly...
Em Schulz: Her bald spots.
Christine Schiefer: Covered in juice and all her bald spots. That's fucking great. I love it. I love it.
Em Schulz: Look, it's... It's my own fault because I, I wrote this...
Christine Schiefer: Yes, exactly. That's true.
Em Schulz: This is canon.
Christine Schiefer: This is canon. I'm sorry, everybody.
Em Schulz: Cannon fodder. So, here we go. [music fades back in] "I had heard lore about this creature, speculating if she was a cryptid, a demon, or worse."
Christine Schiefer: [gasp]
Em Schulz: "I had researched her carefully, read books, read flyers for hours and hours to days and weeks. I had lost hope that I would ever see her, but there she was looking at me, making goat like sounds. The smell of citrus filled the air. I was starstruck, I was impressed, I was scared. I looked to her feet and, yes, just as described with her Rothy's shoes made out of recycled water bottles, machine washable."
[laughter]
Em Schulz: "All the traits of the Hircine Shifter. I could finally see. The creature of my dreams, the chosen one. So I uttered a careful, "hello." The voice that came back... [chuckle] The voice that came back to me was not hers. It was quieter, lighter, whispering something I couldn't quite understand." Understand.
Christine Schiefer: Understand.
Em Schulz: "I now confidently shouted, "Hello," and saw the unimaginable crawling out from behind her. A smaller creature, barely two feet tall, so oddly and creepily similar to the Shifter. I was frozen in fear, but couldn't look away. Was it her offspring? Was it another demon? I couldn't understand what was happening. I looked at its face and what I saw made the blood run cold in my veins. This tiny being had bright white, shiny fangs in the corners of its mouth. This I was not expecting. I started feeling dizzy from fear. I stumbled. I fell backward, fell into the dirt with my acid-washed jeans."
Christine Schiefer: Nooo.
Em Schulz: "The last thing I heard from before everything went black, was a quiet, but now fairly audible, "fresh." Fin.
Christine Schiefer: Fresh. [music fades out]
[applause]
Christine Schiefer: Wow. That was powerful. And I felt titillated.
Em Schulz: I can't believe Zak wrote it. That was so nice of him. He knew, you know, I said... Listen, I wrote out on Dia. I DM'ed him. I said, "there's gonna be a Cryptid Unscripted. I, everyone really wants to hear from you. We've been wondering where you are."
Christine Schiefer: Uh, just pretend my name's, uh, Mika.
Em Schulz: He said, he said, "I'll talk to Mika. We'll see what happens." Boom.
Christine Schiefer: Mika stole my diary. So Mika, they can send you in a page of it.
Em Schulz: He said, "I was wondering where my diary went, and I knew Mika had recently been here, so... "
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: "And now a page from day 523 is missing."
Christine Schiefer: Oh.
Em Schulz: "What could it mean? Another investigation from me." That's what he you said.
Christine Schiefer: And another lawsuit for us.
[laughter]
Em Schulz: They're just piling up.
Christine Schiefer: Allegedly. Allegedly. My favorite word. Okay. Anyway.
Em Schulz: And now we've got our final, Christine.
Christine Schiefer: This is the last one. Oh, okay. I'm already so sad. Ah-hem. This I'm very excited about already. It's from Chelsey, and the title is Manic Pixie Squonk Girl.
Em Schulz: Girl, yes, yes, yes.
Christine Schiefer: Girl, yes, yes, yes.
Em Schulz: Bring her to the stage.
Christine Schiefer: That's what I wanna wear next year to the poetry slam. Uh, I wanna wear the...
Em Schulz: Manic pixie pimples. You, you'll, you'll handle it.
Christine Schiefer: Just covered. I'll just wear all those like pimple patches so it looks like I'm just covered in like, uh, Proactive or something.
Em Schulz: Aww, and then cry about how ugly you are. Don't forget.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, oh I will. That part will be easy. I'll, actually, what I'll do is I'll read the poem, uh, from Asher about how I don't matter anymore. And then, uh...
Em Schulz: Oh. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: I'll... That'll, that'll, that'll like get the tears flowing.
Em Schulz: Sure. Okay. [laughter]
Christine Schiefer: Just kidding, Asher. Okay. So Manic Pixie Squonk Girl. Here we go. [rainy coffee shop music plays in the background] "Sallow face, simpering gait, queasy belly, questioning gaze, uniquely pitiful, unjustly condemned, obscured reflection, offensively made. Naive by nature, nocturnal by circumstance."
Em Schulz: Hmm.
Christine Schiefer: "Kind of sad, kind, but sad."
Em Schulz: Ugh.
Christine Schiefer: The end. That was beautiful. [music fades out]
Em Schulz: Don't I know it?
[applause]
Christine Schiefer: Powerful stuff, man. Everybody has just put in so much emotion and just heart behind these.
Em Schulz: That's a lot of feeling. That's a lot of feeling that we just went through. Umm...
Christine Schiefer: A lot of kind of sad feeling, but definitely some, you know. But with the, with the, with the, the music that I created a few years ago, I remember to, I, I upped the volume on the rain outside pretty...
Em Schulz: Mmm.
Christine Schiefer: The pitter-patter of the rain.
Em Schulz: Hmm. Good.
Christine Schiefer: So it does definitely match, you know, that vibe.
Em Schulz: Yeah. It sounds like we've all got an unrequited love...
Christine Schiefer: Yeah.
Em Schulz: We're, we're just sitting with, you know.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. It's, it sounds like we're entering Scorpio season, which we will be, uh, when this comes out, we'll be like 10 scary days away. Umm...
Em Schulz: Terrifying.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. So, you know, I think it is the proper mood to enter into that part of the year that, uh, Halloween season just kind of eerie and just heartbroken. Heart sick.
Em Schulz: I hope everyone, I hope everyone liked our creepy cryptid coffee shop Cryptid Unscripted. This is our, our third annual.
Christine Schiefer: Third annual.
Em Schulz: I know it's not the same as the auction, but we've done three years now of reading some excellent poetry. I did not know we had so many wordsmiths among, amongst us.
Christine Schiefer: Ooh, I mean, I'm impressed. And then, uh, I was gonna say there were some in iambic pentameter, but the one that was in iambic, or that said it was, they sent it again and we're like, actually, I just realized this is not iambic pentameter. [laughter] But I was like, "okay. Noted."
Em Schulz: I wouldn't even begin to know. But I am...
Christine Schiefer: I wouldn't either.
Em Schulz: So...
Christine Schiefer: I would've said it though, and everyone would've been like, "that's not iambic pentameter." So, umm, yeah.
Em Schulz: Uh, glad I didn't say it then.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, me too.
Em Schulz: Uh, well, you and all your creepy cryptid friends back there, did your, did your friends enjoy all the, all the fine words today?
Christine Schiefer: Uh, they snapped along, uh, their, their talons.
Em Schulz: I saw. It started moving. I wasn't gonna say anything.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah, yeah Yeah. You were just gonna let me get, you know, attacked by my own friends.
Em Schulz: I, I feel like...
Christine Schiefer: I think this, like collar is like adding...
Em Schulz: It's...
Christine Schiefer: 40 degrees to my body temperature and, [laughter] uh, my brain is... Like, the oxygen to my brain is definitely lacking right now. Umm...
Em Schulz: I was gonna say, you do have a different personality when you wear that. And I know you just said that it's literally melting your head off, but at the same time, I think this is the first time I'll, I'll ever say, I'm happy you did not throw something away that probably should have been tossed a long time ago. So...
Christine Schiefer: Yes! You, you, you know what, everyone remember this moment. It's the first and only and last time Em will ever be supportive of me keeping something that, uh, should probably be tossed. So thank you, Em. That was very big of you to say.
Em Schulz: Thank you, everybody, uh, for coming to a surprise Cryptid Unscripted.
Christine Schiefer: Mm-hmm.
Em Schulz: Umm, we next year...
Christine Schiefer: Happy October! [applause]
Em Schulz: Happy October.
Christine Schiefer: Yay.
Em Schulz: And, uh, you know, I guess we'll definitely at least have poems again next year. I would like to do either the auction or something fun and live stream it again. This year it just got a little wonky, but...
Christine Schiefer: It got away from us, uh...
Em Schulz: But...
Christine Schiefer: It got a little squonky, you know.
Em Schulz: Squonky. Well, there we have it. That's exactly...
Christine Schiefer: All right, wordsmiths. That's your prompt. Squonky. Go. Just kidding. [laughter]
Em Schulz: I...
Christine Schiefer: I feel like the poor squonk has gotten so much just like sad poetry, uh. You guys...
Em Schulz: Like, love hate. Yeah.
Christine Schiefer: Don't feel you have to write about squonk, but feel free to. Umm, I might write a Cletus one next time just for fun.
Em Schulz: You know, if anyone wants to write more love letters, that's totally fine about me.
Christine Schiefer: Yeah. [laughter]
Em Schulz: Umm...
Christine Schiefer: It's like totally chill. Uh, Em does... Totally won't mind if you do that.
Em Schulz: I won't even, it's like, I won't even think about it.
Christine Schiefer: Although Asher's gonna be, Asher's gonna be pissed if there are other love letters and you're like all into those too. Asher's gonna be like, "Mine was the original love letter, Em."
Em Schulz: You know what, that is the first I've read. So you're right, you are the original. [laughter] But, uh, thank you everyone for coming to Cryptid Unscripted. Uh, we'll, we'll see you next year for, uh, for year four.
Christine Schiefer: Oh.
Em Schulz: And hopefully it's, it's even more, umm, it's got more twists and turns than this year's, so.
Christine Schiefer: Yes, we wanted to do a little pop... This is like a pop-up, uh, a pop-up poetry slam.
Em Schulz: Yes, exactly. Uh, thank you everyone and...
Christine Schiefer: See you next year.
Em Schulz: And...
Christine Schiefer: That's...
Em Schulz: Why...
Christine Schiefer: We...
Em Schulz: Drink.
Christine Schiefer: Mothman, popping back in here real quick to let you know that if you want to submit a story for next year's, uh, Cryptids Unscripted, you can send that to atwwdfromourcouches@gmail.com. That is atwwdfromourcouches@gmail.com. And you can send in your poetry submissions, uh, or your cryptid stories. All right. See you later.
